Banany's fic journal

Title: Mine (Part 1/9)
Pairings: Golf/Mike, Golf/Mike/Yamapi
Word count: 2,922
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Golf and Mike had always been closer to one another than anyone else. Yamapi threatened that.




Mike had only been eight at the time, and thus didn't really understand love and all its rules. No one really saw any point in explaining the topic to someone who hadn't even hit the double digits yet and, to be fair, he didn't really have any interest in it himself.

What Mike did know about love, he'd learnt through the media. Television and movies taught you that true love was special and important and if you were willing to work hard enough, it conquered all. It taught you that if you really love someone, then they should be more important to you than life. Mike thought that kissing and sex
were pretty gross, but people who were in love did that too. You can't choose who you fall in love with. If someone tried to keep two people who were in love apart, they were bad. And that was about all Mike knew.

"That's disgusting. You're sick. Both of you are sick, get out, don't come back here again! I won't have you back in this house ever again, just get out! Get out!"

Mike hid under Golf's blankets, with his arms wrapped too tightly around his big brother's waist for it to be comfortable for him. His head was burried in his chest as he tried to block out the voices of their mother and elder brothers. The blankets dulled the volume of the shouts somewhat, but he could still hear their muffled anger creeping through the fabric until Golf put his hands over Mike's
ears. He kept them there until he heard the door to the house slam, and their mother stopped shouting and started to sob instead. Then the door to her room shut, and he couldn't hear her anymore either.

"Why won't they stop?" Mike asked, in a weepy-whispery voice once Golf had removed his hands. He looked down into his little brother's teary face, and began to stroke his hair, slowly and comfortingly. Mike seemed to relax as he did so.

"It's okay." Golf whispered back, hushing him, "Listen, they've stopped. No one's yelling anymore." He had no idea what would happen the next morning though, when they had to leave the safety of their bed-clothing cocoon and face reality. Mike was alright now that no one sounded angry, but Golf was older and Golf knew that this wasn't over yet, and didn't know when, or if, it would ever be.

The night afterwards, Sand and Bank still hadn't come home, Ying had returned from her friend's sleepover party (her first one ever, and it couldn't have been scheduled for a better time), their mother's expression was drawn and dull, and Mike was sitting on the edge of Golf's bed, waiting for him to finish his homework. He'd looked up at his little brother when he'd first come in, and asked him what was up (It was obvious that he wanted to talk to him. Eight-year-olds weren't really that good at concealing their intentions), but Mike had just told him to finish first, and he'd tell him after.

He'd gotten it done eventually, but Mike's unwavering gaze as he waited was starting to unnerve Golf a little. Finally, he shoved the pieces of paper, a mix of English and Maths exercises respectively, onto his desk and rolled over.

"What's up, Mike?"

Mike bit his lip and fidgeted, "Golf? Is it okay for me to love you?" His eyes were locked onto Golf's, beggining him perhaps not for the true answer, but for the answer that he wanted to hear.

"Mike, why're you asking me?" Although, if he thought about it, it was obvious. Golf knew that Mike didn't - maybe couldn't - understand what had happened, and maybe it was better he didn't. Still, saying that ignorance is bliss wouldn't be quite true, because it was obvious that Mike was still scared and confused, and part of that was because he had no idea what was going on.

"She said it's bad. To love your brother." Mike didn't explain any more clearly than that, but Golf understood anyway. Instead, he began fiddled with his brother's bedspread, pulling out a loose thread and then wrapping it around his finger. He didn't seem to notice that he was doing it.

Golf licked his lips - nervous, he was nervous; this had the whole family on edge, with perhaps the exception of Ying who was too young to notice that something was wrong.

"It's fine for you to love me. I love you too." Golf finally answered, and reached out to give Mike's shoulder a squeeze, "It's okay to love your brother, that's not what she meant at all. You don't love me the way she meant, okay? So it's alright."

A big, relieved smile crossed Mike's little face and settled there; delicate but bold like a butterfly, "That's good, because I'm gonna love Golf forever. I don't think I can stop, even if everyone was angry at me." Then he paused, "You love me in the way she didn't mean too, right?"
Golf nodded, "Yeah. Me too."

---

Mike was twelve and, as is natural, knew a lot more about love now than he did when he was only eight. For example, there are many forms of love. There's friendly love, love for your family, romantic love and perhaps other varying degrees he wasn't quite sure about. They could change too, he found out. For example, all love can disappear over time. Love for a lover can turn into love for a friend and vice
versa.

Apparently love for a friend is less intense, and perhaps if you spent more time with them than is normal, you could start to get a little agitated. When you're IN love with someone, like the sort where maybe you'll want to marry them one day, you can bear a lot more time together. Actually familial love and romantic love seemed
quite similar in many ways, compared to friendly love. But no one in your family can become your lover. Because it's wrong. Because god won't accept it. Because it was sick and dirty and bad.

Mike had been in love with a girl - well, he thought it had been love, but everyone else had told him that no, it wasn't. Mike didn't really understand. It had felt like the love that people always sung about in songs (He and Golf listened to a lot of music together, even more now after having auditioned for G-junior), and when he'd been heart broken, it felt the same as the heartbreak described in songs; really, really painful like a broken bone, only on the inside, and he'd cried himself sick for days on end, so what else could it have been?


At first, Mike had even refused to see anyone, locking himself in his room and curling up under the covers of his bed - something that he was to vehemently deny having done as soon as the little episode was over. Then sometime into the evening of the second day, (Mom had told Golf to try and fix it. There was school tomorrow, and Mike needed to go, and out of all the family members, Golf was the one Mike was closest to) Golf had managed to finally succeed in dismantling the lock to his brother's room.

When he heard the door open Mike, quiet as he was at times, had screamed abuse in a hoarse, tear-soaked voice until he couldn't scream anymore, while Golf stood still waiting for him to calm down. With anyone else, Golf wouldn't have been sure what to do. With anyone else, he would have thought 'they don't want me here' and left without a word. But with Mike everything was easy. He peeled back the covers to reveal his little brother, shivering slightly, on his front with his knees pulled to his chest. Golf couldn't see his face.

"Hey Mikey." He said in a low voice, sitting on the very edge of the bed.
"Leave me alone." Came the rather blunt, but half hearted reply. Golf smiled in spite of himself, and reached out to lay his hand on Mike's messy hair. His little brother shuddered once, but then was still as Golf began to stroke his matted locks.

"Stop crying now, okay? You've been crying for two days straight." His voice came out in a murmur, almost as if he was worried that being any louder would hurt Mike.

"I'm not CRYING." Mike grabbed his brother's hand and pulled it off his head, but kept holding onto it afterwards.

That made Golf smile again, "Okay. If you're not crying, then everything's alright." He squeezed Mike's hand, then leant forward and lightly kissed the back of his head. Mike tensed up and let go of him.

"Golf, don't." He even rolled over then, and looked up at his brother with a blotchy face and fearful expression. "You shouldn't do that."
"Why not? It's just a little kiss."
Mike fidgeted and refused to look Golf in the eyes. "It's... you just shouldn't."
Golf paused before he nodded. "Okay. I won't."

---

Sometimes Golf and Mike slept in the same bed. When Golf had been four years old, he'd been a terrible sleeper. He'd fall asleep about eleven o'clock at night, and wake up several times, usually around two am, then four am. Mike, about one and a half at the time, slept in his own room. Their parents couldn't exactly remember why they'd done it, perhaps it had been something to do with new furniture and
not enough room, but they'd put Mike in Golf's room. It was only supposed to be one night; one night until the house and room space had been sorted out.

Golf hadn't woken up once the entire night, and had even fallen asleep at a time reasonable for once. But it had to be coincidence, his parents reasoned. Nothing to do with Mike being in there.

They decided to leave them together for another night, though, just in case they were onto a good thing. Golf slept well that night too. After the third night, his mother had asked him what was going on, and if it had anything to do with his little brother sharing a room with him.

Golf had nodded, "Mike keeps the ghosts and monsters away."

They'd shared a room from then on, until Mike was six and they started to talk to one another until late into the night. Their parents had separated them again at that time, but even after that it was common for Mike to sneak into Golf's room and climb into bed with him. Mike slept better with someone else around, and Golf liked the warmth and familiarity of his brother's body pressed against him before he slept. During those nights, they had to keep their voices low when they talked, but sometimes they didn't even want to talk at all. Sometimes it was just the being together that counted.

They slept together tonight, despite the fact that Mike was now sixteen and Golf had recently turned nineteen. It was habit now that when Mike was nervous or excited - whenever his emotions were on edge - that he'd go and sleep with him. Since about a year and a half ago, Golf had started rolling his eyes whenever Mike snuck in at night, smiled apologetically and climbed into bed. He'd started asking, 'So, how old are you now anyway?'

Mike would grin, push Golf over so he had room, wriggle closer and then give some stupid answer like, "I'm five."

Golf secretly liked it. But he'd never say anything.

He'd known that Mike would come in tonight, and he didn't even go through their usual, 'You're such a baby, go sleep in your own room' routine, because they were both far too excited. He'd even moved over before Mike had had to force him.

"With Yamashita Tomohisa." Mike said in an excited whisper as he curled up next to Golf, "We're going to be working with him. We're going back to Japan! This is so cool!" His eyes and smile twinkled in the dark.

"It's gonna be so great." Golf whispered back, his smile an almost exact reflection of his brother's. "He was nice last time we met him, wasn't he?" Neither of them could stop grinning. It was all they'd talked about once they'd gotten home from speaking with their manager. Mike had been so excited that he'd repeated many of the same things twice, sometimes three times, all the while making big motions
with his hands. Golf had wanted to say some things too, but since it wasn't usual for his brother to be this excited, he'd held back.

Most of the things he'd wanted to say were things that only Mike would understand, that only Mike would have answers to, anyway. Then they'd been sent to bed, (About an hour later than was usual; after all, no one really expected them to be able to sleep when they were like this) and Golf had waited somewhat impatiently for his brother to turn up.

"He was really cool. All of them were pretty cool actually. And the other ones... who were they... KAT-TUN? They were cool too. And Takizawa." Mike's speech was kind of difficult to understand; not only was he whispering, but he was whispering about three times faster than usual. "We'll get to meet all them again right? But
Yamashita! This is so cool! He's so famous over there, and we get to work with him!"

"Mike, try going five sentences without saying cool, okay? You're starting to sound dumb." It sounded to Golf like Mike was trying to bang the fact that they were actually pairing up with Yamapi into his head. It hadn't quite settled into his own yet, so he couldn't really blame his little brother for doing it. But it was so cute the way that he kept repeating things out loud - Not that Golf would tell him
that. Saying that wasn't cool, and Mike probably wouldn't take it that great either.

Mixed reactions came once it had been publicly announced; the Japanese fans all seemed for it, aside from the ones that worried KITTY GYM was going to take the place of NEWS, and the Thai fans weren't really sure what to think. Some liked the idea, some didn't like the idea, some really had no preferance. Golf and Mike weren't entirely aware of the feelings of these people though; they were too busy preparing. What followed their initial reaction was a few months full of grins, secret looks, exchanges of the thumbs up, and if one of them was starting to feel a bit down about anything, just saying, "Yamapi!" and then sharing a noise that was so totally nothing like a squeal.

The night before they left for Japan, Mike crept into Golf's room again. He was silent as he crawled into bed with him, and didn't say anything afterwards. Golf started to worry immediately.

"Mike, is something wrong?"
Mike just replied with, 'Hm' and started to fiddle with the right sleeve of Golf's pajamas without any explanation at all.
"Mikey, don't make me guess. Just tell me. Do you think I'm going to laugh at you or something?" It was, Golf thought sometimes, weird to nickname what was already his brother's nickname, but he so rarely called him by his real name that it just happened naturally.

"I dunno." Mike said eventually, "I'm still excited about tomorrow. And if we couldn't go, I'd be pissed off, right? But... I'm not getting cold feet, but..." He trailed off there, and started to rub Golf's hand between both of his own; he really couldn't help but fiddle right now.

"You're nervous?" Golf asked, leaving his hand to be played with. "But you weren't worried last time at all." It didn't really make any sense. He wasn't worried about this at all, and the last time they'd gone to Japan to do a concert, and had met with Yamashita and the rest of NEWS Mike hadn't been anything other than excited.

Mike shrugged - Golf felt him do it, even though he was under the covers - and then accidentally wrenched Golf's pinky and ring fingers a bit too far apart for comfort.

"Ouch!"
"Sorry!" Mike quickly let go of his brother's hand, "Yeah... but this is different. Last time, we just kinda went over there we were just guests at a concert. This time we're debuting there. And with Yamapi too. I mean, he was nice and everything last time we met, but we're going to be together longer this time. He's way older than me, so what if I annoy him?"

Golf chuckled, earning himself a glare which provoked more guilt and less fear than it was supposed to. He stopped and gave Mike's hair a brief stroke.
"Seriously, don't worry so much. He'll like you. Everyone else does. And even if he doesn't, I'm still going to be there, so it'll be fine."

Mike made a noise of agreement, then yawned curled up against Golf. His head nestled right under his brother's chin and his hair tickled at Golf's throat.
"Promise to stick with me, okay? Then I'll be fine."
Golf put an arm in the space around Mike's body - not around him, not exactly, they were too old to cuddle now - and nodded, "Okay. I promise."