Banany's fic journal

Title: Regrets
Pairing: Koyashige
Prompt: #009 - Past
Words: 875
Rating: G
A/N: Written for je_prompts.
Summary: If Koyama could change the past, he doesn't know if he world.




Koyama misses Kusano. Things like his stupid antics, both on and off camera, his energy and enthusiasm, his random outbursts when he'd talk in a funny voice... There are a lot of things about him that Koyama misses a whole lot. He just wishes they could turn back time, erase his mistakes, and carry on from the start of 2006 as a group with Kusano standing between him and Shige, just like he always used to.

For that, Koyama would gladly go through the whole of 2006, 2007, 2008, re-graduate university, release all their singles and albums all over again. He'd do all that if Kusano could just come back and spend the past three years working with them, outshining him and Shige with his powerful voice like he always did, and then teasing them about it off camera, telling them that he was the one who was going to get all the girls.

But secretly - just secretly - if he was presented with that option to turn back time and change the past, Koyama isn't actually sure he'd take it. See, over three years, so many things happen; the good and bad, the terrible and wonderful, life changing events that shape you and those around you.

For example, Yamapi seems so much happier with them now - relaxed and friendly and open, rather than aloof and cold. It seems as though, over their time off, he finally accepted NEWS as his group.
Ryo has been forced to come out from under the comfort blanket that was Uchi and forge bonds with the rest of them besides Yamapi. Now he actually teases Shige, indulges Tegoshi, even hugs Massu on occasion... Koyama is confident that Ryo loves them now. He jokes around with them and lets his guard down, and what's even more shocking, he's even comfortable enough to make a fool of himself with them.

Tegoshi and Massu got to debut in Sweden. Koyama can tell from the way the two of them goof off together behind the scenes, in the way they tease each other, the way they look at each other while they sing, that Tegoshi and Massu love each others' company. Love singing together. Love working together. And this debut as a duo was an amazing opportunity, the likes of which they probably wouldn't have imagined would happen to them.

And Shige... Shige just bloomed during their hiatus. Koyama saw him almost every week, but each time he could see that Shige had grown a little more, in confidence and character. It seemed to Koyama that it was during that time that Shige developed a sense of self, and once he finally returned to NEWS, and NEWS in turn returned to the stage, he was finally able to show himself to the world.

All these things Koyama's precious group members had achieved for themselves in their time away from each other in 2006, and together in 2007 and 08, Koyama isn't sure he'd ever want to take away, even in exchange for 8 member NEWS.
And then - an even deeper secret - Koyama has his own selfish reason for thinking like this.
Shige.

Koyama has watched Shige grow from an awkward teenager to an adult. And during their hiatus, Koyama has seen the biggest change in him take place. His Shige, his closest, most precious friend Shige, has become a person that Koyama is truly proud of. He's matured into someone beautiful, developed a fine personality that makes him shine brighter from than he ever has before... And now, after two years as a six member group, Koyama and Shige are recognized as a sort of duo. And Koyama selfishly fears that if Kusano were still there, that would never have happened.

He's sure that they'd still be the trio from K.K.Kity, instead of being KoyaShige the duo. And to be honest, Koyama has gotten used to Shige being his. He's gotten used to not sharing him; he's used to it just being the two of them in the hotel room during concerts, gotten used to going on holiday with just Shige, gotten used to hanging out alone with Shige...

He feels like a terrible friend, thinking this was, but somehow, even Kusano seems happy with how things are now, attending university like a normal boy, not having a schedule full of concerts and photo shoots. Not having to watch his every move anymore...

And then, most importantly to Koyama, there's also the times when he and Shige get to be alone, and Shige relaxes, and will fall asleep on Koyama's shoulder, or play with his hair, or lean into him so Koyama can feel his warm breath tickling his neck... And Koyama is scared that things would be too different if anything about the past was to change.

So, if given that choice to turn back time, Koyama doesn't know what he would do. He's scared of making the wrong choice and regretting it. Or worse still, scared of making the right choice and regretting it anyway.

That's why he's glad that the past is the past. And, no matter what, he can't change it.
Instead, Koyama will live the present to the fullest.