Banany's fic journal

Title: Voices (Part 8/?)
Pairings: Koyama/Shige, Tegoshi/Masuda
Word count: 4,341
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Following an accident, the members of NEWS are left in hospital in comas. Upon awakening, their memories have been replaced with those of being other people, from another world.



Seisuke hadn't missed the way that Masuda and Tegoshi looked at one another. He could see the obvious affection that made the edges of Massu's mouth curl that little bit more whenever he smiled at Tegoshi. He could see the way that, when it came to Massu, Tegoshi was just that tiny bit less self-absorbed.
Actually, rather than saying that he hadn't missed it, it was more like he couldn't have missed it if he'd tried. It was so clear, in all their interactions and the way they touched each other, in every other little thing that between them. And so, when he'd learnt that it was meant to be a big secret – not just from the public, but from everyone around them – he'd almost laughed.

It had been one day when Tegoshi and Massu had arrived at work together, a bit later than they'd been meant to, that his curiosity had gotten the better of him. And so after weighing the pros and cons of asking, and whether or not he really had to know, his need to confirm it had eventually won out. He'd asked Massu at lunch, not while he was eating, of course, because Seisuke had learnt quickly that when food was involved, no matter what, Massu's ears would cease to function properly. So he'd waited until they'd all finished up, and Masuda was leaning back in his chair with a satisfied look on his face like he always did after finishing a good meal, before saying anything.

"You and Tegoshi-kun seem so close." Seisuke started off casually, and Massu's lips opened to reveal a toothy grin.
"Tegoshi's an important friend to me." He replied, in that cheery tone Seisuke had quickly come to associate with him. "Did Koyama teach you about the time Tegoshi and I went to Sweden together? I feel like we got closer then."

Seisuke nodded. "Miso Soup." He said, in way of explanation.
Massu nodded back, satisfied that such an important part of the NEWS member timeline hadn't escaped Seisuke's reprogramming. Then he launched into a detailed explanation about what Sweden had been like, and how warm and friendly all the people had been. After a few minutes, Seisuke could see that he wasn't going to get anywhere like this. The conversation was rapidly moving away from where he'd intended, and Massu wasn't showing any signs of returning to the topic of Tegoshi.

"So..." He finally continued. "Are you and Tegoshi-kun really just friends?"
"Eh?" Massu's smile dropped from his face, replaced quickly by an expression of surprise. Seisuke was suddenly gripped with fear; maybe he was completely wrong, maybe he'd just made a massive mistake, and he fumbled with his words, in an attempt to rescue himself.
"You guys... well... you just seem so close that I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it..."
Massu was probably mad now, he thought. He looked very serious; more serious than Seisuke had ever seen him before. Maybe he'd mistaken a close friendship, so strong that it was as though they were family, for something more. After all, he'd never been that close to anyone before, so how would he know how friends like that acted towards one another? It was part of the reason why he'd been so obsessed with the idea of Koyama, who, up until a few weeks ago, he'd thought was only a figment of his imagination. Because he'd dreamt about that feeling, felt it with someone he hadn't even known was real.

"I'm sorry." He began again, but Massu made a hand motion like he wanted him to be quiet for a moment.
"Shige." He said in a low, solemn voice, "Has anyone been talking? Have you heard anything from anyone? If you have, you seriously have to tell me who it was. It's important."
Seisuke's jaw almost dropped. "Wait… Does that mean it's true?" He asked, matching his voice to the volume of Massu's, just in case anyone was listening.

Massu seemed hesitant to answer. He appeared to be weighing up options in his head, trying to judge what possible situations could arise from his answer. Finally, he leant in close, and said in a hurried, urgent whisper, "Yes, it's true." He said, "But Shige, it's really important that nobody else finds out. So if you heard this from someone, I really need you to tell me who it was."
"I just kinda figured it out by myself." Seisuke admitted, still slightly surprised that he'd been right, despite how sure he’d been of his theory, "No one actually told me."
Massu stared at him long and hard, and although he didn't really look like he was suspicious, he did seem to be checking if Seisuke was telling the truth.

"That's funny." Massu eventually said, some of the tension finally draining from his face. "You never even noticed before. I wonder why you realized now."
Seisuke shrugged. "I guess I was used to the way you acted around each other before, so I never noticed. But if you'd told me, it probably would have been obvious. Everything's new to me now, though, so I have to figure things out."
Massu looked at him a little mournfully. "It must be hard for you." He said. Then he looked thoughtful again, and added, "I hope you can keep this secret for me. If anyone finds out..."
He didn't have to finish his sentence for Seisuke to know what he meant.
"I won't tell." He promised.

Massu smiled at him – a grateful smile this time, which told Shige what he wanted to say more efficiently and quickly than he could with words – and simply said, "Thank you."
They didn't speak about it again.

To Seisuke, the situation was kind of weird, but he tried his best to get used to it. Of course he knew what the word gay meant, but he'd never actually given much thought to the idea of guys liking other guys before. And now here he was, working closely with two who were actually going out with each other. Still, it probably would've been even more difficult for Shigeaki to adjust to the situation after knowing them for so long, and Seisuke didn't mind doing that for him.
At least he could do him one favour in exchange for stealing his life.

By the end of the day, Seisuke found himself wondering if Massu had told Tegoshi that he knew about them. However, even though he looked for signs from Tegoshi as the days went by, the boy remained as cheerful, selfish and normal as he'd ever been to Seisuke.
Sometimes he thought that if Tegoshi sat him down one day and discussed their relationship at length with him, it'd help him get his head around it, but he showed no sign of planning to do that either.

More than that, Seisuke realized eventually, he wanted to discuss it with Koyama. He figured that at least Koyama would be able to share his confusion and maybe they could even adjust to it together. But Massu had made it very clear that no one else was to find out, and even though he hadn't explicitly said so, Seisuke knew that it included Koyama too.
Eventually he discussed it with his psychiatrist, substituting Masuda and Tegoshi's names for those of two "old high school friends" he didn't actually have. However, all he received in response was a miniature lecture on what homosexuality was exactly, and how it worked, and what it meant for those involved, and then it was back to discussing the Seisuke-Shige problem.

The explanation didn't really help. Thinking about it in bed that night, Seisuke decided that maybe rather than not understanding homosexual love, he just didn't understand love in general. Now that he thought about it, he'd never looked at anyone the way he saw Tegoshi and Massu looking at each other. More than that, he couldn't honestly say he'd truly been in love with any of his girlfriends. He'd always put his own studies ahead of them, all but disappeared whenever it even got close to exam time, and in truth, never really felt that strongly about them in the first place. The way he felt about his new friends, about Koyama especially, far surpassed his feelings for those girls he'd dated.

So maybe what he was worried about wasn't so much that Tegoshi and Massu were gay. Maybe he felt strange because he could see such a blatant display of love right in front of him and just didn't understand it. He was tempted to bring this up with his psychiatrist too, to see if it made any sense. But then he realized that problems like this weren't the reason he was paying to see him, and he didn't want to waste time and money on useless topics.

Besides. Tegoshi and Masuda's relationship was their own business, and he shouldn't let it bother him.
Though sometimes, when he was drifting off to sleep and wasn't really concentrating on what he was thinking about, Seisuke wondered if maybe he felt a little jealous.
They'd both found somewhere to belong. And he didn't know if that kind of place existed for him.

~*~*~*~

Yamasaki wasn't sure why the story hit such a chord with him, but it did. People went missing all the time, and this wasn't even a special case. He practically never watched the news in the first place, but tonight he had, and for some reason the story about missing the missing boy Mashita Takaharu made something in his chest ache. It ached with a feeling he didn't even recognise, but it made him feel nostalgic, and he couldn't figure out why. The story was nothing special, after all.

Mashita had last been seen at the cooking school he attended on a Friday, hung out with friends afterwards, then gone home and hadn't showed up for class the next Monday. Or the next day. Or the day after that. He didn't show up to his job either, didn't return calls, didn't come home to his apartment block. He'd just disappeared off the face of the earth. There were no witnesses to foul play, no clues, no leads whatsoever. He was suspected dead by now, but there weren't even any signs pointing to murder; not even to suicide.

"He was nice, and I guess he seemed happy." One of his classmates reported in the news clip. "But he was kind of spacey. Sometimes I wondered if he was really even from earth. He sometimes just kinda seemed like he was meant to be somewhere that wasn't here."

"I can't think of anyone who'd want to kill him or abduct him. He was always so warm and giving... and he seemed way too cheerful to kill himself. But..." His co-worker said, "Well, I guess he sometimes talked about this person... this person called Tegoshi, I think? He always said he wanted to find him, but he had no idea who he was or where to go if he wanted to. Said he dreamed about him a lot, but that was all. I mean, Mashita-kun wasn't crazy or anything, but sometimes when he talked about that Tegoshi guy, I started to have my doubts... Seemed obsessed with him. To the point that it was like he was in another world or something."

The news reporter said that they were investigating the Tegoshi link, adding dramatically that it was all they had to go on right now. Then Mashita's photo flashed on the screen. He was smiling, of course, and Yamasaki felt a surge of warmth towards the boy. He hoped they found him. He hoped he was okay.

It was when the story was changing that he realized with a shock that he was meant to be at Kaori's soon. He checked his watch, and cursed. He only had 3 minutes to be out of the door if he didn't want to miss his bus. Yamasaki grabbed his school bag where everything he needed to do computer-related tutoring was kept, and rushed to put on his shoes. As it was, the bus was about 2 minutes late anyway, and he had time to catch his breath as he waited.

During that time, and for the entire ride to Kaori's neighbourhood, he thought about the Mashita case. He wondered if Mashita really had gone in search of the imaginary Tegoshi boy from his dreams, or if the police were just chasing their own tails. He wondered if Mashita was alive. He wondered about it for the whole 25 minute journey, until the bus stopped and it was time to get off. Then he didn't think about it anymore.

Kaori greeted him at the door in her usual fashion, with a short skirt, tiny top, and provocative smile. He smiled back, but swallowed after she turned away to walk back into the house, stealing quick glances at her thighs as her skirt swished from side to side.
They were half an hour into the lesson when she kissed him.

Yamasaki hadn't expected Kaori to do it, but she had. Everything had been normal up until then; they'd just been sitting at the computer, doing their usual thing, when she'd suddenly leant in and pressed her lips to his.
There had been a bit of tongue involved – hers, of course – but all in all, it only lasted a few seconds because Yamasaki had been too surprised to respond. Here he was; shy, financially unstable, nerdy him, being kissed by this beautiful, popular, girl from a rich family.

"Have you.... Are you still with your boyfriend?" Was the first thing that came out of his mouth after he'd recovered from the shock. He didn't know what else to say.
Kaori flushed, and wouldn't meet his eyes, obviously not having expected him to ask that question right away. At least she had the decency to look guilty.
"No, not yet." She admitted. "But I will soon."

The rest of the lesson continued in relative silence, without Kaori's usual easygoing chatter, and Yamasaki almost ran for the door when they were done.
He went over and over the situation in his head on the way home in the bus, and that night found him lying on his sister's bed, while she sat on the floor trying to do her homework. She barely took any notice of him, and he didn't say anything either. Just stared into space, waiting for her to finish what she was doing.

"What do you want to say?" She finally asked, dropping her pencil on her book. Yamasaki looked startled, as if talking about something was the last reason he'd come to hang out with her. Mana rolled her eyes at his surprised look. "What? You didn't come to hang out in my room just because my bed is softer than yours, did you? I'm listening now. What is it?"
He hesitated, as though he wasn't really sure he wanted to tell her, but finally said, "You know that girl I tutor?"
His sister snorted. "No, of course not. Only every second word out of your mouth is about her."

Yamasaki looked like he wanted to argue that point, but then decided not to since there was a possibility it was true. Instead, he decided to skip straight to the point.
"Well... she kissed me today. And then she was talking about breaking up with her boyfriend."
Mana gaped. "Wait, are you definitely talking about the slutty, air headed Kaori girl? She kissed you? Seriously?" Then she shook her head, and immediately told him, "Don't go for it. I mean, if she's cheating on her current boyfriend, then she'd do it to you too." And then in typical little sister fashion, she added, "Also if you do go out with her, I'll kill you for being so dumb, because honestly. She sounds like such a whore."

"She..." Yamasaki began, but then paused. He had nothing to refute his sister's words with. It was true that Kaori was known to be a bit loose with her morals; even his family had picked up on that from all he'd mentioned about her at the dinner table. And then, as the saying went, once a cheater, always a cheater. Maybe Kaori was interested in him now, because she thought he was cute, or she had some repressed fantasy about sleeping with her professor and he was the closest she could get. But eventually she'd realize he wasn't what she wanted, and soon after that, he'd be in the position that Kaori's boyfriend was in right now. On the out without even knowing he was.

Mana was right. He'd have to stop this before it went anywhere and his heart got broken. Anyway, if she decided she never wanted to see him again after this, he had plenty of other people he could tutor for some extra money. And although he did like Kaori quite a bit, it wasn't so much that he'd take the risk of dating her. He'd be last week's news by the end of the month.

"I guess you're right." He finally agreed, receiving a triumphant look from his sister. She promptly asked him if he'd help her with her homework in return for her advice, and that's where the subject of Kaori was left for the rest of the night. He stayed in her room until it was time for her to go to bed, and then went downstairs to wait for their mother to come home. She was working a late shift tonight, and to top it off, she worked in a town a whole two hours away by train. She always told her son that he didn't have to wait up, but he always did. And so, as usual, he had a meal waiting for her when she walked in the door.

"Thank you, Tomo." She said, slumping into the chair. He tried to ignore how tired she looked.
"How was your day?" He asked instead, and she groaned.
"It was alright." Was the reply, although her initial reaction gave away what she really meant. Yamasaki's heart went out to her, and he cursed his father for leaving the family in this situation. If he'd thought more about them and not done it in the first place, or if he'd offered them support even if he wouldn't stay, things would be easier on them right now. But he hadn't. Just up and out the door with barely a word, never to show his face again.

Then out of nowhere Yamasaki found himself saying, "Mom. When dad left us for that office lady from his work... How long was he with her before we found out about it?"
His mother looked stunned that he'd ask such a question, and the noodles she'd been about to eat fell from her chopsticks.
"That's... That isn't really the kind of thing that mothers talk with their children about, Tomoharu." She said. Yamasaki nodded.
"I know that, mom. But... I guess I feel like I need to know." He shrugged, and looked away, watching the blank screen of the television so he didn't have to meet his mother's eyes.

She didn't answer for a long time, slurping up the noodles with a look of great concentration on her face. She was only in her 40's, but she looked more like she was in her mid 50's. She had too many grey hairs, too many wrinkles on her face, and a tired look in her eyes that most of her friends the same age didn't have. It was almost as if nature had looked at how hard she was working to provide for her family and had decided to reward her by aging her two times faster than normal.

"I guess for a couple of months." She finally admitted after such a long time that Yamasaki had almost forgotten he'd asked a question. "But it's funny, you know? I almost feel sorry for that girl he ran off with, because once she gets older like me, what's to say he's going to stay with her? Once a cheater, always a cheater, after all." And then she laughed, and although it didn't sound particularly happy, it didn't sound sad either.

Yamasaki forced a smile. "I guess you're right. Anyone who considers starting a relationship with someone known for cheating would be a bit of a fool." They sat in silence for a while longer, before he offered to wash her bowl for her. Then they bid each other good night, and headed to their respective rooms.

Lying in bed, Yamasaki thought about his father, and then about Kaori. He took away the age, the gender, all the physical attributes and realized that, if he thought about it long and hard, the man he hated and the girl that he liked were perhaps not so different underneath.

~*~*~*~

"I hate her." Nishito said flatly to Eri and his younger sister one day. They didn't need to ask who he was talking about.
"I know, I know." His sister said unsympathetically, "But at least you don't have to live with her. And no matter what you say, she's still our mother."
Eri just patted his arm, and offered him a half smile, but there was nothing she could really add.

"You may have to live with her, but at least you don't have to provide for her." Nishito shot back at his sister. She shrugged in response.
"Well, I'm going through university, you know. And unlike you, Mr. Famous Model, I only have a part time job, so I can't really provide for anyone except myself." She reasoned. "Anyway, it's not like there's a law saying that you have to. You could just stop."

Nishito laughed – a short, bitter barking sound. It all sounded so reasonable, but he knew better. The world didn't work like that. She didn’t work like that.

"Yeah, as if she cares if you're in the middle of university or not. That bitch thinks the world should provide for her. Since the child support money that dad sends in isn't enough for her to maintain the kind of comfortable life she wants, she's going to take more from one of us. If I disappeared all of a sudden, I'm 100 percent certain that she'd make you quit your classes and go into full time work just so she wouldn't have to work herself."

His sister shrugged again, a little less confident this time.
"I don't know... I mean, I'm half way through getting my degree. I don't think she'd really make me do that..."
"You're wrong." Nishito said flatly. "That woman is a bitch and a user. As soon as you're out of her house, I'm cutting off all my ties to her and never paying her another cent. I suggest you do the same."
His sister pursed her lips and turned off the television. She'd been watching an American reality show. Of course, she hadn't understood a word and it hadn't been subtitled, but it had looked glamorous enough to hold her interest. Now she wasn't in the mood anymore.

"I dunno, Aki." She said, "She's still our mother..."
Nishito slammed his glass down on his table. "She is not our fucking mother! She's the woman who gave birth to us, and I fucking wish she hadn't."
Eri swallowed, and scampered off to find a sponge to soak up the water that he'd spilled. She wished that his sister wouldn't provoke him. She knew he cared about her very much, but sometimes she'd annoy him and he'd get angry. Eri hated it when Nishito got angry. She found it quite frightening, maybe because he was so lacklustre the rest of the time.

"The only reason I send her those cheques every month is so that you can get through university and out of that house before she starts trying to use you the same way she does with me." She could hear him saying from the kitchen. "But once you have the choice of getting out of there, I guess that even what you do isn't my problem anymore."

Only silence followed that comment for the next few minutes, so Eri felt safe coming back. She wiped up the mess without a word. Nishito nodded in way of thanks. His sister tried to look like she wasn't about to cry. After she managed to get control of herself, she turned her face back towards her brother, even if she still kept her eyes from meeting his.

"I'm sorry." She said in a soft voice. Nishito shook his head, no longer feeling like engaging with the topic.
"Doesn't matter. The moment you're out of her care, I won't have to worry about anything anymore." He smiled, but it was a grim smile, far more depressing than a sneer or a frown.

Eri and his sister finished their tea in silence, and Nishito went and poured the remaining water in his glass down the sink. Then he saw his sister to the door, bidding her farewell in his usual curt way before shutting it behind her and stalking back into the lounge. He sat down with Eri, and let her make small talk. He didn't respond, not because he was angry or sullen, but because he had nothing to say in response. It wasn't until Eri asked him, "Are you okay now?" that he answered.

"I'll be rid of her one day soon." He said. Eri knew he wasn't talking about his sister. Though on that same topic, sometimes she wondered if the concern he displayed for his sister's well-being stemmed not so much from any sort of love for her, but more from his hatred of their mother.

"I know how you feel, Akira." She tried to sympathize. "You've been very patient. I know that you've been waiting for years to get away from her."
He smiled crookedly at her, but he couldn't even be bothered making it look real. "I feel like I've been waiting for it my entire life."
~*~*~*~