Banany's fic journal

Title: Voices (Part 5/?)
Pairings: Koyama/Shige, Tegoshi/Masuda
Word count: 3,122
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Following an accident, the members of NEWS are left in hospital. Upon awakening, their memories have been replaced with those of other people, from another life.



Dinner was a strange mixture of stifling quietness, interrupted by the raucousness one would usually expect from a group of young men; Seisuke and Koyama didn't exchange a single word, while Tegoshi and Masuda chattered and laughed enthusiastically the whole time, covering up any silences.

Between dishes, Tegoshi decided to force them all to play an 'educational game' of writing out their full names in English, and then seeing how many words they could spell out of it (Seisuke chose to make words out of Kato Shigeaki instead of his actual name. He didn't want to upset Koyama any more than necessary). And so with Tegoshi's inability to read the mood, and Masuda's one track mind focused solely on the food in front of him, the fact that Shige and Koyama just weren't talking to each other seemed completely lost on them.

Everything tasted good, but Seisuke was so uncomfortable that he could barely concentrate on the flavour. Koyama refused to meet his eyes, and had blatantly refused to sit next to him, hastily sliding into the seat next to Tegoshi, despite that it had been obvious that he had wanted Masuda to sit with him. Tegoshi just thought that his Kei-chan was still feeling protective of him, and Masuda was distracted by the menu. As it was, neither of them questioned Koyama's forced seating arrangements.

By the time they'd finished eating, Seisuke felt like he was ready to have a nervous breakdown, Koyama still hadn't looked him in the eye once, and oblivious Tegoshi announced that they all had to add up their scores before they left. Tegoshi and Seisuke won by miles - Tegoshi with a total of eighteen words and Seisuke with twenty. Masuda managed twelve, while Koyama came in last with a dismal score of seven - one of which didn't even count, because no matter how much he insisted, 'chomik' was definitely not a word.

They parted ways on the street, with an energetic, "It was really fun!" from Tegoshi, and a cheerful, "See you at work tomorrow," from Masuda. Then, the two of them were gone and Seisuke and Koyama were left alone to walk to the train station together. Koyama stayed a good metre and a half ahead the whole way, and Seisuke wasn't sure if it was the awkward silence between them, or the sudden change from a crowded restaurant to the deserted streets, but he suddenly felt incredibly lonely.

They were meant to be best friends. Even he, who knew nothing about this world, knew that.
"Koyama." He said, the name out of his mouth before he had time to think about it.
Koyama froze. It looked to Seisuke like he was trembling, and he didn't speak. He probably couldn't have if he'd wanted to. And now that Seisuke thought about it, he didn't know if he had anything to say either.
But he knew he had to. Because it felt that if he let Koyama leave now, without saying anything, he'd be letting him go forever. And the way things were between them now would never, ever change.
"Koyama," He began, "Do you hate me?"

It wasn't just a trick that Seisuke's eyes were playing on him; Koyama was definitely trembling. His shoulders were stiff and hunched, but were shaking quite visibly, accompanied by the heavy, erratic breathing that usually preceded tears. Seisuke swallowed around a lump that was gradually forming in his throat. He really, really didn't want anyone to end up crying tonight, especially not because of him.

"Look, Koyama..." He began, trying not to mumble. He always did when he felt uncomfortable speaking. "I'm sorry that I'm... I'm not who you remember me being. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you and stuff, but... I don't know... I just wish you wouldn't act like you hate me so much for it, because I..."
"Of course I don't hate you." Koyama interrupted in a shaky voice. "I don't even know you."

Even from behind, Seisuke could tell that when Koyama lifted his hands to his face, it was to wipe away tears. His body shook a little harder, and Seisuke wondered if he shouldn't call an ambulance. Koyama looked like he was about to have a seizure.
But then the shaking ceased, and he took a few more breaths, still heavy, but even. Then Koyama turned to look him in the eye. Even in the dingy light of the street lamps, it was easy to see that he had tear tracks down his face.

"I don't even know you." He repeated in a calmer voice. Then on the end, he added, "...Seisuke."
The sound of his own name had never been so heart breaking.

~*~*~*~

"I don't want to go home tonight." Tegoshi murmured into Massu's ear, as though he were telling him a particularly special secret. The sentence, while so simple, was said in such a way that it sent shivers down Massu's back.
"Do you want to come home with me then?" He asked, trying to sound casual. Tegoshi just nodded and smiled, looking at him with an expression that Massu recognized, but couldn't quite explain. He felt goose bumps rising on his arms, but not because it was cold out.

"I'd like that." Tegoshi finally said, and Massu wondered why they were bothering to go home at all, because they both knew where this was leading. Instead of going back to his house where the walls were thin and they'd have to muffle their noises, they could go to a hotel where no one would hear a thing. But he knew that they'd end up on his doorstep before the night ended, half because if they went to a love hotel, they could get caught, and something as simple as that could mean the end of their careers. The other reason was because they didn't want to admit that they knew exactly what would happen once they were alone together. If it just happened without them talking about it, then there was no reason to be shy.

They climbed into Tegoshi's car. Massu's heart thudding wildly the whole time, even though they wouldn't get to his house for at least half an hour. Even when Tegoshi switched the radio on, passionately singing along with it the whole way home, it did nothing to ease the mix of anticipation and nerves rising in his chest. He was secretly glad that Tegoshi did nothing but sing the entire time, because his brain wasn't working properly; he wanted to say something, but it was only as they parked outside Massu's home that he thought of anything appropriate.

Massu turned his head and opened his mouth to speak, just in time for Tegoshi to press their mouths together. Whatever Massu had wanted to say got lost in the feeling of Tegoshi's tongue against his, and the heat of his chest, pressing into his arm.

~*~*~*~

"I suppose I'd better tell you now. I'm glad you're faring better this week, and I would prefer not to spoil that, so I'm sorry to have to be so frank," Seisuke's pyschiatrist told him, "But we still have no idea as to the cause of your condition. We've been looking into it, but all we keep drawing are blanks."

Blanks and dead ends. Seisuke's mouth tightened grimly. He'd been expecting this – had even prepared himself for this – so the weight in his heart came as a surprise. He knew that this was the kind of case that professionals struggled over for years after, eventually resulting in a short, badly-made documentary, which would be crammed back to back with another 'unsolved mystery case', then squashed into an hour long slot on evening television. Seisuke grimaced, thinking about his story being followed by that of some mental patient with fifteen different split personalities. And then he realized that anyone watching would think him no better - just some other nut job who'd woken up, thinking he was the wrong person.
Maybe a few years after he was dead they'd finally discover the cause of his condition, but by then it would be too late.
He snapped out of his thoughts, to realize that his pyschiatrist was still talking to him.
"And you'll have to forgive me if I sound rude, but she is not held in particularly high regard amongst her colleagues. Still, she has requested a session with you, and since we're not getting anywhere, I told her that I'd ask for your consent to see her."

Seisuke stared blankly, but didn't want to admit that he hadn't heard the entire story. Someone wanted to see him? Perhaps another psychiatrist? If she wasn't held in particularly high regard amongst others, did that mean that her theories were slightly too novel and unusual for her colleagues taste, or were her methods suspect?
Still, he knew that he wouldn't be forced to do anything against his will – he was a paying customer, after all – and if he wasn't getting anywhere this way, what harm could just talking with this woman do?

"Alright. I'll consent to seeing Dr..." He faltered, realizing he didn't know her name.
"Dr. Leone." His psychiatrist told him. Seisuke's eyebrows shot up.
"Dr. Leone?" He repeated, suddenly nervous for some reason. "She's a foreigner?"
"Not really." The man replied, "Her grandfather was Italian, but she's three quarters Japanese, and she studied for her PhD at a university in Tokyo. She's fluent, so you won't have to worry about communication problems. There will be none."
Seisuke nodded, and then caught sight of the clock hanging on the far right wall. "Oh, it's nearly quarter to five."

His psychiatrist looked down at his watch, "Oh, you're right. I'm sorry for keeping you. Well, Dr. Leone said that she'd be quite happy to meet you at our usual time next week. You two can use my office, and you won't have to pay either. I think that in her eyes, you're the one doing her a favour."

Seisuke saw himself to the door, riding the elevator down to the ground floor and making his way to the train station on autopilot. He'd been distracted all week, trying desperately to adjust to the new life that he'd been knocked into.

Fortunately it didn't seem as if he'd be singing any time soon. Kanjani8 had just released a new single, and KAT-TUN were scheduled to be releasing one the next month. There were also rumours that Ninomiya would be starring in a drama soon, for which Arashi would sing the theme song, so it looked as if the rest of Johnny's would keep the music industry busy for the next three or four months, allowing NEWS to recover.
Although Johnny's did push their artists mercilessly at times, they also knew when it would be better for their reputation if they didn't.

That was part of the reason why Seisuke didn't feel as lost as he had during the first week. It was reassuring to know that he wouldn't be singing or dancing any time soon. He was also beginning to feel more normal; in the first week he'd had three trips to the psychiatrist, but that had already been cut down to one weekly visit. No. The reason he was feeling better was mainly because of Koyama.
"I don't even know you. Seisuke."
He'd almost left it at that. The way Koyama had said his name... it'd made him feel like there was no way they'd ever have the friendship he remembered feeling in his dreams. But as Koyama had turned to walk away, Seisuke had stopped him again.

Koyama almost jumped at the feeling of Seisuke's hand around his wrist. He twisted to face him, eyes wide and not quite frightened, but definitely startled.
"What are you..."
"Get to know me." Seisuke interrupted. "If you don't know me, then..."
The look on Koyama's face suggested that he wanted to pull away and run, but he stayed still, eye to eye with his old best friend.
"Get to know you?" He asked tentatively. Seisuke nodded, releasing his hold on Koyama's wrist.
"Yeah." Seisuke replied.

Koyama didn't give him an answer, and eventually they started walking again, finally arriving at the station. They got on the train without saying a word the whole time. Seisuke bit his lip and tried to comfort himself with the fact that he'd done his best. Then, as the train was pulling into his stop, and Seisuke was preparing himself to get off, Koyama leant closer to him and said, "You know... you're just as smart as always. Winning that game tonight." He paused and swallowed, eyes darting back and forth. "I'm glad that you used... Well, I'm glad you used your name. See you tomorrow, Shige."

Shige stayed on the platform, lost in thought, long after the train was gone.

~*~*~*~

"Mom, I'm home!" The sound of his voice was almost swallowed up in the already noisy house. His youngest sister and brother were in the living room watching television, and his second youngest sister was in her room, blaring music at full volume while she supposedly did her homework.
"Welcome home!" Fortunately, his mother had ears like a rabbit – one needed to, with four children – and came down the stairs to greet him.

"I got the results for my report back today." He told her, fishing around in his bag for the papers. He didn't tell her what his mark was, preferring for her to read it instead. Somehow, saying that he'd gotten an A+ sounded smug, even if it was true. He watched as her lips curled up into a smile, and she handed him back his marked assignment.

"Well done." She told him, "You always work hard. It'll really pay off one day."
He smiled back at her, trying not to let her see how proud he was that she'd praised him. Once he finally graduated, he'd give his family the life that his father had stolen from them that day he'd walked out the door and never came back.
Instead of speaking his thoughts aloud, he trailed after her into the living room, where his brother and sister were sitting side by side, watching an early evening children's program.

"Do you need some help with dinner?" He asked their mom, at the same time his little sister and brother welcomed him home. He smiled in response, ruffling his brother's hair as he walked past, getting a squeal and a slap on the hand in return. "I'll wash the rice."
"Thank you." She answered gratefully, before calling out to his youngest sister, "Can you go and tell Mana-chan to get the laundry in before it gets too cold?"
"When this program's done!" She called back, without taking her eyes off the screen.

It made him frown slightly when their mother didn't argue with her. It would be nice if his younger siblings would help out a bit more without being asked, he thought, as he poured the rice into a bowl, and ran some water over it. Mana was old enough to get a part-time job, just like he did, but she wasn't even looking for one. Their mother worked two jobs, and he also earned some money, tutoring first year students studying IT at his university. It bothered him that his three siblings didn't acknowledge all the work their mother did, and hardly helped out at all.

He made a mental note to get the laundry in once the rice was washed; he had a feeling that his sister would conveniently forget. After that, he had some homework to complete.

~*~*~*~

Seisuke couldn't figure out if he felt at home in Koyama's house or not. His body felt relaxed, but his mind was alert, the way it always was when he arrived in a place for the first time. It was an odd sensation.
"Are you hungry or thirsty?" Koyama asked, inviting him to sit at the table. Seisuke was very much both, but he declined anyway. He didn't want to cause Koyama any trouble and make him like him any less. That was the last thing he wanted.
Koyama eyed him for a moment, the beginnings of a frown showing on his face, and Seisuke panicked. Had he done something wrong already?

"Don't lie. If you want something to eat or drink, you can just say so you know." Koyama said, and then he smiled. Seisuke's heart flip-flopped. This was the first time Koyama had actually smiled at him.
"How do you know I'm lying?" He asked, surprised that Koyama had figured it out.
"I dunno, you just have these things you do when you're hungry. You swallow more than usual, and there's this way you touch your stomach every so often."
"I..." Shige started to say, but was then cut off by a loud grumble coming from his aforementioned stomach. He blushed, and Koyama laughed, a soft, slightly nasal, but still warm and comforting sound.

"Well, there's not point in denying anything now. What do you want to eat?" He asked, already halfway to the kitchen.
"Just some fruit or something, I guess." Shige replied, trying to think of something simple that most people would have in their house. As he waited for Koyama to come back, he contemplated what he’d just been told. Did he really do those things when he was hungry? He hadn’t even known. Koyama couldn’t have figured out his mannerisms over the short amount of time since he’d woken up, so they had to be habits Shigeaki had had too. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

The conversation between them as they sat around the table eating apple slices and orange segments was very stop-start. It didn't flow between them, as Seisuke imagined that it would have before the accident, but he wasn't going to complain; it was a fair sight better than how much they'd been talking before – that was to say, not at all.
"Want to watch some videos?" Koyama asked him abruptly, with a piece of apple still sticking out of his mouth. He must have just thought of the idea.
"Sure." Seisuke replied, "Of what?"
"Of NEWS. Of us." Koyama said, and his voice sounded nostalgic. "Of you."

And that was how they found themselves lying side by side in front of the TV, watching tapes that ranged from their first appearances together as juniors, to recorded episodes of the Ya-Ya-yah show, to DVDs of their concerts. It was fascinating for Seisuke to watch how their screen time increased more and more as their careers progressed. Going from little glimpses of them dancing behind their seniors, to footage of them as the seniors with juniors dancing behind them.
"It's kind of like I'm learning about myself through video tapes." He mused out loud. "It's weird."

Koyama watched Shige from the corner of his eye.
"I'll teach you. If you want." He said, "I can teach you." Then on impulse, he reached out and gave Shige's shoulder a squeeze.
They shared a smile before directing their gaze back to the television. Koyama's hand stayed where it was.
~*~*~*~