Banany's fic journal

Title: Mine (Part 6/9)
Pairings: Golf/Mike, Golf/Mike/Yamapi, Kamenashi/Yamapi
Word count: 3,157
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Golf and Mike had always been closer to one another than anyone else. Yamapi threatened that.



Golf had been twelve when he'd first thought that he'd like to try kissing Mike. He'd known about the relationship between his big brothers long before their mother had, because he'd seen them kissing before. They'd noticed him at that time and furiously informed him that he wasn't to tell a soul. Golf had promised. And he'd kept his word.

The thought about having the same sort of relationship with Mike hadn't crossed his mind at the time, but it'd hit him later. Not in a good way either; once his mother had caught his older brothers and threatened them, Golf had panicked, wondering what would've happened to him and Mike if they'd done the same thing. And then, like a particularly persistent cold, the idea wouldn't leave him alone.

Mike was cute, cuter than any of the girls Golf knew, in the way he acted, the way he looked, the way he talked... Golf liked girls too, but as he was growing up his fantasies centred around Mike. And naturally, the older he got, the more adult his thoughts became. He realized one night whilst lying in bed, skin flushed and sweaty, that he should have been ashamed to be thinking this way. He should have, but the familiar happiness upon seeing Mike, one slightly different from that of seeing a beloved brother, was so common to him now that he forgot all about that. The feeling became as natural to him as eating, breathing, sleeping...

But as natural as it felt to him, Golf wasn't under any illusions about how the rest of the population felt. He knew he couldn't ever tell Mike. But that was fine because what they had now, what they'd always had, it was good. It was enough.
He'd had no intention of telling Mike.

He really hadn't meant to, because Golf figured that while he'd never be able to be with him in that way, he'd always be with him as a brother, as part of his family. They'd never be split up, like lovers could be, and once Mike found someone to fall in love with, perhaps to marry, Golf had thought he'd be able to handle it.

He hadn't liked the girl that Mike had had a crush on when he'd been twelve. Perhaps that should have been some early indication of how wrong he was. But that girl, he'd been able to see that she wasn't good enough for his little brother. She could've been smarter, nicer... She was cute, and maybe that had been why Mike had liked her in the first place, but Golf thought that cuteness was where her good qualities had ended. He'd been able to tell from a glance that she didn't reciprocate his brother's feelings, but Mike just got grumpy with him when he'd tried to talk him out of it. And Golf had never thought that maybe he'd disliked her so much because he'd been jealous of her.

But now there was Yamapi. Golf wasn't stupid enough to think that this bitter feeling he had was because Yamapi wasn't good enough. Yamapi was intelligent enough to have gotten into Meiji university. He was kind to them, handsome, funny, famous... It would probably be difficult for Golf to find someone more suitable for his little brother.
He glanced at Mike, who was curled up on the end of Golf's bed, legs hanging over the side, while Golf sat up against the pillows. They'd discussed Golf's feelings for a while, but neither really felt comfortable with doing that for long, so they'd switched to talking about other things. Anything. Eventually the topic had ended up on Yamapi.

"I don't want you to be jealous." Mike said, unable to make eye contact, "But I really, really like Tomo and I don't want to break it off with him because of... you know." He fiddled with the bedspread. Golf's head was suddenly filled with images of Mike, younger than now, and all the times he'd sat on Golf's bed in the room, busying his hands with the bed clothes as he confided in his big brother. He wondered why things had changed since then. Why they'd had to change so much.

He sighed, "I know. I mean, I guess I can't get jealous every time you go out with someone." They were getting dangerously close to arriving back at the beginning of their conversation, "Well, Tomo's good. You know. We're friends and all, and I guess he's a better choice than some other people, so... you know. Stick with him."
Mike's lips looked like they'd nearly twitched into a smile just then. Golf wondered if his approval was really worth that much.

"We're going back to Thailand soon. Tomo probably doesn't want a boyfriend in another country, does he." He seemed only slightly saddened by the thought; resigned to it, as though he knew it was the truth. As if he'd known since the beginning. Golf didn't like that, but he wasn't sure that if he had to make a decision between Mike being upset and single, or Mike being happy and taken away from him, that he'd make the right one. "But I don't really know if I want that either. It's lonely enough having a friend you can't see."

Golf shrugged. He figured that whatever his opinion on a break up between Mike and Yamapi was, it wouldn't be valid. "I dunno. I guess that you guys should try and figure it out. I don't think I can help on this one, you know?"
Mike nodded. In truth, he'd wanted his brother's opinion on it, but he could understand why Golf wouldn't say anything. They both knew that it'd be hard for him to think it over logically, about what would be best for Mike. His bias would be far too blinding.

"I guess we'll try to talk about it." Mike said, and he clutched the bedcover tightly, bunching it up between his fingers. Then, in a show of boldness, continued, "It would be easier if it was you with me instead of him, wouldn't it."
The comment, despite being said in such a soft, shy voice, hit Golf with the impact of a bus. He felt fluttery, and then confused. What was Mike saying? What were the implications behind what he'd just said? His heart sped up, and it felt like it was pumping away in his throat, choking his words. He stared at Mike, eyes pleading for an explanation, but Mike wouldn't meet his gaze and just kept sitting there with the bedclothes grasped firmly in his hands.

"Mikey? What are you trying to…?"
"Mom would hate us. If she found out, she'd throw us out, and then maybe the press would find out." He continued, drawing his knees up to his chin. Golf couldn't help but think that Mike looked scared and lost. Mike always felt things so strongly, and this had to be killing him; Golf's sudden confession, the imminent separation from Yamapi, the fear that someone might found out about what Golf felt for him... It had to be crushing. Mike was only sixteen. He was too young to have to go through this.
Slowly, as though not wanting to frighten him, Golf crawled down the bed towards his brother and wrapped him in a hug.

"It's okay." No matter what their relationship was, he'd still be there for Mike. No matter what, he'd protect him. "Nothing bad is going to happen to you as long as I'm here, okay? I promise." It was a relief when Mike let go off the bedcover and hugged him back, burying his face in the crook of Golf's neck. It felt like he was hanging on for dear life, but Golf didn't mind. He returned the hug with just as much force.

Mike sighed into his neck, and it tickled and tingled. "Idiot, you don't have to tell me. I know that. You're my big brother." He let himself fall into the hug; the touch of Golf's strong hands against his back, the warmth, the feeling of safety... he'd missed this. He'd missed being with Golf like this, whenever he was scared or doubtful.
His hands, currently resting on his brother's hips, squeezed tighter of their own accord. He felt different this time. The embrace was the same as the others they'd shared in the past, but Mike felt really different inside. Golf's warm breath on his neck, the soft curve of his arms, it all seemed different to Mike.

What scared him the most was that he liked it. He wondered if Golf could feel the difference too, or if it was the same as always to him. He wondered if he could feel the difference in Mike's touch.

He quickly separated them, falling off the bed as a consequence. Golf looked down on his younger brother, looking both amused and bemused at the same time. Mike stood up, more quickly than was necessary and flushed a bright pink.
"I think..." He said, voice soft, "I think I'd better go."
Golf nodded, although he felt kind of embarrassed about the way Mike had taken this. He hadn't meant to touch him in a way that could be construed like that. "Yeah... yeah, I know. Okay. I'll see you at dinner time, then."
"See you." His voice sounded like an echo of his big brother's as he said that. All his movements were unsure and shy as he walked towards the door. Then he paused and edged back slowly. "Um, actually..."

"Yeah?" Golf started to say, but before he could get the entire word out, Mike was on top of him, kissing him, touching him, and Golf couldn't help but respond.

---

"Yamapi, I was just about to go to dinner." Kame's exasperation sounded fake, but it was always so hard to tell over the telephone. "And it's barely been two hours since you left."

Yamapi clutched the receiver in his hand so tightly that it felt like it was going to splinter under the force. He knew that he shouldn't be so nervous about talking to a friend, but he didn't think that Kame was going to be very impressed with him. At all.
"Sorry. But... you know how I was going to break up with Mike?" He asked, tentatively. He busied his other hand by playing with the cord of the hotel phone.

"Um... well, yes? That's what we talked about." Kame had no idea where Yamapi was trying to go with this. Did he need help with English or Thai or whatever? Maybe the language barrier was turning out to be too big of a problem for him to handle alone? Kame bit his lip and wondered if there was any way he could get Ueda or Jin to help without letting them in on what it was for. After all, their English was way better than Kame's was.

"Hey, what are you sounding so suspicious about? You don't even know why I'm calling yet." Actually, it was unfair of him to sound so wounded by Kamenashi's tone. If their roles had been reversed, Yamapi would probably have felt exactly the same.
"So are you going to explain, then?" Kame asked. He hoped they could get this done quickly; he didn't want anyone to walk in during an awkward sentence, and was even sitting on the edge of his bed with the door in plain view to prevent that from happening. "When Ueda comes to tell me that Nakamaru's ready, I have to go."

Not that he would mind a potentially long conversation with Yamapi; if they managed to solve whatever problem he was ringing about, there would be the possibility of going on to talk about other things. Not that Kame would admit exactly what sorts of things he wanted to talk about, but he couldn't deny the fact that they were there. It was just too embarrassing to let the words form properly in his head. Besides, he couldn't blow off dinner with the others for a phone call. Firstly, it'd probably disappoint them, and secondly, he was starving.

"Oh..." Yamapi's voice faltered, "Well. It can wait, if you want me to call you later."
Stop using that voice and making me feel guilty, Kame thought, embittered by the fact that an ex-lover had such a powerful hold over him. He didn't say that out loud, though. Instead he told Yamapi, "I don't have to rush. We're eating in the hotel restaurant again, so I can just tell the others I'll be down soon. If we need to talk for that long." He added the last part onto his sentence to try and make it sound less like he was willing to accommodate his schedule to meet Yamapi's every whim. Because he totally wasn't.

Yamapi considered assuring Kame that talking later was fine, but he knew that Kame was a no-nonsense person, sometimes to the point of being unbearable. Doing that would probably only waste time and annoy him.
"Right. But now I'm thinking that maybe I don't want to."
Only Kame's breathing let Yamapi know that he was still on the other end of the line for a good thirty seconds before he asked, "Don't want to... what?"
Even though what he said was phrased as, and sounded like a question, there was something in his voice which hinted that he already knew what going on. And he didn't sound pleased either. Yamapi was hesitant in responding.

"Maybe I don't want to break it off with Mike. I know I said I didn't want to be in this position at first, but... yeah. It's hard to explain. I don't know, Kame. I was thinking that it's not so bad like this. I mean, I don't not like him." He cursed himself for his nonsensical, rambly reply. Of course he'd thought about what to say before he'd called; he wasn't that good explaining off the top of his head. It was just, now that he was actually talking to Kame, everything he'd thought to say before had fled from his brain.

Kame had been rendered wordless by Yamapi for what felt like a record number of times in the past day. He swallowed a couple of times and cleared his throat, but said nothing.
"Kame? Please say something. I know that sounded weird, but--"
"Yamapi." Kame cut him off in a deadpan, though not unkind voice, "If you've already decided this, why are you ringing me about it?"
"I," Yamapi started, but then found he had no solid motivation. Why was he ringing Kame? Was it for his opinion on the matter? Was he worried it was a bad idea? Maybe he'd subconsciously decided that he needed to tell Kame, because he thought he'd want to stay updated on the situation? Finally he settled on telling him, "I guess I wanted you to tell me what you think."

He heard Kame let out a long, slow sigh on the other end of the phone call.
"Are you in love with Mike, then?" He asked him. Yamapi wondered whether what he heard in Kame's voice was trepidation or not. "What about Golf?"
"I think..." Yamapi said, "That I could love him like that." He remembered the feeling of Mike needing him, of Mike's warm, trembling frame wrapped securely in his arms. He remembered not wanting to let go. "Even if I still love Golf right now, I think I could love Mike."
"He's going back to Thailand soon." Kame reminded him, "So what then?"
Yamapi caught the undertones in that comment. If you can't even keep up a relationship with someone who lives half an hour away from you, how will you manage when they're in a different country?

"I really don't know." He admitted, "As long as we love each other, it's worth a try, right?"
It took Kame a long time to answer, "But you know there's... there will always be someone here in Japan who loves you just as much. And maybe you could love them back."
This time it was Yamapi who didn't have a response, and it was in the middle of their long, uncomfortable silence that Ueda knocked on Kame's door and let himself in. He took in the sight of Kame on the phone, of his troubled expression, and his forehead creased.

"Nakamaru's ready now." He said in a quiet voice, once Kame had acknowledged him. Then he waited where he stood for Kame to finish his phone call.
"Sorry, Pi. I have to go," He said, and tried hard not to sound too relieved. "Hope everything goes well. Bye." Then he hung up without waiting for his farewell to be echoed.

"Are you ready?" Ueda asked, and he didn't sound impatient despite how long he'd been waiting to go to dinner.
Kame didn't meet his eyes, "Actually... I don't think I want dinner now. I'm not that hungry. Sorry."
Ueda looked like he wanted to argue, but then he just nodded. "Okay. We'll bring you something back." He looked at Kame, with something much too similar to sympathy in his eyes before leaving. The door shut behind him with a soft click. Once he was alone, Kame lay back on his bed, and stared at the cell phone clutched in his hand.
Kilometres away in his own hotel room, Yamapi sat, holding the phone to his ear, listening to the dial tone.
"Have a nice dinner." He said, knowing no one would hear. Then, he hung up.

---

"Maybe we shouldn't have done that." Mike said, but his tone sounded very vague, as though it were something he was programmed to say, rather than something he meant.
Golf brushed a couple of strands of his brother's hair away from his face, and smiled. "You started it, so what're you complaining about."
Mike shrugged; well, he shrugged best he could whilst curled up in his big brothers arms, underneath the bed covers. "No, just... aren't you worried that someone will find out?"

Golf considered this for a while, and then grinned and gave Mike a light noogie, "I'm a bit worried that Tomo will be angry at me for stealing his boy, but you'll protect me if that happens, right?"
"Get outta here," Mike fought back, pretending to be indignant but not able to stop a smile from spreading across his face, "How uncool would you look if that happened? Protect yourself."
He didn't want to think about Yamapi. He didn't want to think about GYM or their brothers or their parents. Right now was all he needed. Once tonight was over, things were going to get complicated; both of them knew it. But in Golf's dimly lit hotel room, just the two of them together, it felt like maybe - maybe - tomorrow would be alright too.

---