Banany's fic journal

Title: Mine (Part 5/9)
Pairings: Golf/Mike, Golf/Mike/Yamapi, Kamenashi/Yamapi
Word count: 4,204
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Golf and Mike had always been closer to one another than anyone else. Yamapi threatened that.



Mike could see something behind Golf's level stare that looked dangerous. He didn't like it; as his big brother, Golf was supposed to look out for him and take care of him. He wasn't supposed to make him feel scared or nervous, but that was exactly what was happening now.

The room was silent save for the low hum of the air conditioner, and even though it wasn't on a particularly low temperature, Mike felt the tingles of a shiver running through his body. He had to say something to break through the quiet.

"So... what's up?" He asked, fairly tentatively, because the last time his big brother had acted like this, it had ended in a fight that Mike still didn't know the real reasons for. He didn't want this to dissolve into an argument if Golf's day had gone bad for some reason. "You don't look too pleased." That had almost come out as, 'You don't look too good', but that could be taken the wrong way, and Mike didn't want to take chances.

"Yeah, well... That doesn't matter." Golf finally said, "I have something I want to ask you." The look that accompanied those words was piercing, telling Mike that he had no choice but to reply honestly to whatever Golf wanted to talk about.

"Go ahead..." He said, so slowly and nervously that it came out sounding more like a question than an invitation. Golf answered anyway, not being in the mood to beat around the bush.
"Mike, do you have a crush on Tomo?" He asked bluntly, not wishing to diplomatic, nor to leave more than one possible interpretation of the sentence.

Mike could've sworn his heart froze up at that moment. He wasn't even sure he could feel it beating anymore. And when it did get going again, it felt like the speed was double, maybe triple what was normal. What was he supposed to say? If Golf had asked him in a different way, maybe with a smile, a wink or a teasing tone, anything like that, Mike would have flushed and told him to get lost. Then Golf would have probed, and Mike would have finally 'given in' and told him all the details about what had gone on between him and Yamapi.
But Golf wasn't smiling. And Mike didn't feel like smiling either.

"You look surprised," Golf said, his tone dry. "Am I wrong, or are you surprised I noticed?"
When he finally replied, Mike's voice was quavering, "You're not... exactly wrong." He couldn't pry his eyes away from the carpet. Golf's attitude was making this too hard; he knew for a fact that his big brother wasn't homophobic, so what was his problem? Mike passionately hoped that he didn't want Yamapi too. That would be difficult and unbelievably awkward.
"What do you mean by, 'Not exactly wrong' Mike?" Now Golf's voice sounded almost sarcastic, "Do you mean that you don't 'exactly' have a crush on Tomo or what?"

Now Mike's nerves were fraying. He didn't want to get into a fight, but the tone and attitude that Golf was taking up with him weren't cool. He felt anger bubbling up inside him It drowned out the aching worry that his relationship with the person he loved more than anyone else in the world was slowly dissolving.

"That's right, I don't exactly have a crush on him." He spat, resolve to stay quiet and polite crumbling away, "Actually, I'm in love with him, and we're..." He paused for a moment. What were they? Were they going out? But they hadn't been on a date. They'd kissed, but they weren't exactly lovers, despite where it looked like they'd been heading earlier today. "And we've kissed." He finished, feeling stupid for trailing off, "A few times."
His words were like a punch to the stomach. A particularly violent, surprise punch. Golf's mind came to a stand still, but for some reason his mouth kept moving despite the lack of thought.

"You've... when?" Mike hadn't even told him. Had there been any signs before now? How long had Mike liked Yamapi before this? Had he had a celebrity crush on him before they'd even come to Japan? "Why?"
"Last night." Mike said, softly now that Golf's demeanour had gone from accusing to stunned, "When I was helping him to bed. He kissed me. And then I spent the night with him."

If he wasn't so surprised, Golf thought grimly, he'd probably feel like crying right now. Not that he would, but the urge would still be there. Everything about this felt so wrong. Yamapi and Mike. Yamapi and Mike. That Yamapi and his Mike... It wasn't right at all, it had always been Golf and Mike, there'd been no one else. Even when they'd first started this stupid, stupid GYM thing, it had still been Yamapi (Always the more important one. They'd accepted that. In a way, they agreed) with Golf and Mike. How dare Mike just go and change it all? But somewhere inside him, he also felt some of the blame landed on himself.
If he hadn't been so lazy last night, if he'd helped Mike help Yamapi to bed, then maybe this wouldn't have happened, they wouldn't have kissed, and he'd still have his little brother to himself.

"You..." Mike could see an expression building on Golf's face. To his horror, it looked a little like disgust, "You... slut." The tone was poisonous, as though he were accusing Mike of setting something on fire, or murdering someone, and the word was like a slap in the face. It hurt just as much. The tone of it barely mattered to Mike at all; all that mattered was what his brother had just called him, and that he had really, actually meant it. Mike wasn't sure whether to be furious or crushed.

"I suppose that's why you came out with that dumb comment in the interview after the photo shoot this morning." Golf continued, his glare not faltering, "I suppose that you 'want to trade me in and have Tomo for a brother' so you can fuck him whenever you want, am I right? Unless you can give me another reason for coming out with such an incredibly stupid line."
'He hates me.' Part of Mike wanted to curl in on himself and sob, 'My big brother hates me.' The other part of him, after recovering from his initial shock, was furious. How could Golf call him that, when he'd never been with another boy - never even had a real girlfriend - before? If either of them had to be, Golf was definitely the slut. Not Mike.

"I was just joking when I said that, but now I'm not so sure." He wished he could be cool like his big brother, and sound angry and spiteful. Instead what came out of his mouth only sounded bitter and betrayed, like he was going to cry at any moment. "What's wrong with saying that sort of thing? Tomo jokes around too, but I don't see you yelling at him."
He should really stop this now; he had to be hurting Mike, right? The thought wandered into Golf's mind like a lost traveller, and left just as hastily. Instead his eyes flashed and he lashed out again.

"Yeah, well it doesn't matter if Tomo makes dumb jokes like that. He knows what he's doing, unlike you. But never mind, whatever, now everyone probably thinks that you like him so much better than me, and that we hate one another. Isn't that one of our selling points, Mike? That we have a good relationship?"

Maybe Golf was going to hit him, Mike thought, heart pounding. He'd never been so scared of his brother before, but he didn't want to back down and look cowardly. No one respected that.
"Oh, so now we're going to cheapen our relationship by selling it to the fans?"
"It doesn't cheapen it!" Golf had given up keeping his tone down, and Mike absently wondered if anyone outside could hear them. He wondered if either of them cared. "It just means that more people will see it. What does that cheapen?"
"Well, sibling banter DOES show that we have a good relationship, so what's your problem?" His voice cracked, and it sounded like he was shrieking like a little kid... maybe he was. Maybe he was reacting too violently to what Golf had said? "Would you rather we were groping one another on stage and giving fan service or something?"

Golf gave him a long, dark look and, "maybe I would," was out of his mouth before he could even think about stopping it. Mike froze, mid-motion, all emotion draining out of him.
The air conditioner clicked off and it's hum died into silence.
"What...?" The word came out in a whisper, so quiet it was hardly audible to himself. Then he repeated it, much louder, "What?"

And then suddenly Golf had him shoved back against the bed, and Mike's disbelief immediately changed to terror. They didn't stay in contact for long, but Golf still kept him pinned with a heated glare.
"I said, maybe I would. Maybe I want to touch you on stage, in front of all of them. In front of him." Golf breathed, voice barely more than a hiss. "Because when they see me touching you, when they see me with my hands all over your body, they'll know that you don't belong to anyone else. Not anyone else, and especially not Tomo. They'll know that you're mine."

Mike shuddered, with what emotion he wasn't sure, and shoved Golf as hard as he could, knocking him off balance. He went careening into the far wall, and before he even managed to steady himself, Mike was screaming at him, hitting him.

"Stop it! Shut up, just shut up! Just shut up!" The meaning of his brother's words, the consequences of what they meant could bring, it all finally sunk into Mike's mind and he felt tears welling in his eyes. He had no desire, didn't even try to fight them back, because they weren't important right now. "Don't talk about me that way ever again! Don't EVER talk about me that way ever again, ever, ever, ever!" He accented each word with a punch, not effective for much else than pushing his brother into the wall again and again until his words were swallowed by sobs, and his hits became weaker and weaker. Then he found himself escaping towards the door; he couldn't, couldn't couldn't couldn't be in the room with his brother anymore, couldn't even look at him.

Golf didn't make a move to go after Mike. He didn't know what good it would do, even if he did.
He'd screwed up. Mike was surely, surely disgusted with him now. Golf sank to the floor and buried his face in his hands.



Mike had been waiting outside Yamapi's room for almost an hour, praying that Golf wouldn't come after him. He huddled on the floor, not caring if anyone came past and saw him looking so pathetic. He needed Yamapi now. The man in question had been trying to think of a way to let Mike down gently during the entire drive back, but when he saw him - obviously miserable - sitting outside his door, face still slightly red from tears he forgot all about that.

Mike got up when he saw him and stood awkwardly next to the door while Yamapi unlocked it. Aside from an obviously questioning expression, Yamapi didn't ask anything until they were safely in the room, with the door locked behind them. He sat on the edge of his bed, inviting Mike to sit with him, worried out of his mind. Had he somehow figured out what Yamapi was up to while he was out? That couldn't possibly be true, right? Maybe he suspected Yamapi of having a relationship with Kame or Jin or something...

No, what was he thinking? That was stupid, that made his life sound even more like a bad drama than it had already turned out to be. He examined Mike carefully.
"What's wrong? ... Golf? Fight?" It was the only plausible explanation he could think of. That would explain why Mike had been waiting for him, instead of going to his big brother for consolation. He was rewarded with a nod for his guess, but couldn't take any real pleasure from the victory.

"Ne." He gently touched Mike's shoulder in an effort to comfort him. The result was almost as if he'd broken a dam; Mike, who had been hovering close to - but not quite close enough to touch - Yamapi since he'd first returned, finally engulfed him in a hug, fingers pressing harshly against his back. He awkwardly patted Mike's head, softly murmuring things in Japanese that there was almost no chance of him understanding.

Mike tried desperately hard not to start crying again. He wasn't a little kid anymore; he had to start enduring things on his own. It wasn't the same as when he'd been a small child and had climbed into Golf's bed at night, looking for reassurance when things went wrong.
Not that he could ever look for reassurance from Golf anymore. Everything was wrong now.

They were wrong.

Their mother... what would their mother think? She'd made it plainly obvious that wanting your brother in any way was disgusting, sick, against the will of god... His stomach churned. His mother would punish Golf if she knew. Maybe she wouldn't ever let Mike near him again.

"Mommy... why is it bad? Don't they love each other? Isn't that good? Why are you angry?"
"Sweetie, stop crying. It's okay. You don't need to be scared, you haven't done anything wrong. I'm not angry at you."
"But what did they do wrong?"
"Sometimes... love is wrong. You're not supposed to love your brother, Mike."
"Why?! I love all my brothers! I'm not bad!"
"You're not bad, it's hard to explain. That's different. You'll understand soon, okay?"

Their mother would be so angry. She'd told them, she'd let them know that if it ever happened again, anything like it, she wouldn't be so forgiving. After the incident between their brothers, Sand had gotten a girlfriend pretty quickly. But Mike had still seen, even in the years following, the looks that those two shared, the feelings that they couldn't do anything about, and he wondered why something that wasn't meant to be - wasn't allowed to be - continued to last so strongly.

Then there was Golf, whom Mike had never known a life without, who he loved and was loved by unconditionally, and he thought that maybe he could understand. Because if it were them instead of their brothers, that would mean being with Golf forever in a way that wasn't restricted by anything. He wondered if his brothers couldn't forget what they'd shared, even if they tried. Because maybe that's how they felt about one another too. And then he'd felt shame strangling him, smothering him, and he quickly dismissed the longing. He wouldn't allow his brothers to put ideas like that in his head, not even indirectly.

Mother had said it was wrong, and she'd be so, so angry. But Golf wanted him, and now that he knew, all he had to do was reach out to him and they--
He clung tighter to Yamapi. Yamapi, Yamapi... He's the one you're in love with, Mike, so you can forget about Golf... forget about your big brother.

He was trembling; shaking as though he were freezing, and Yamapi had a strong urge to pull the blankets from the bed and wrap them around Mike, to see if they'd help at all. But then, at the same time, that would mean letting go of Mike and he didn't want to do that either. He really wanted to hold onto him, comfort him, keep cooing soothing words and nuzzling his hair. He wanted Mike to need him.

It took a long time, but eventually he gave one final shudder, a loud, shaky sigh and Mike finally relaxed. He drew back from Yamapi who was relieved to see that he had no tears on his face. Actually, he was smiling now; it wasn't a happy smile - more of a weak, resigned one - but it was a smile none the less.

"You okay now?" Yamapi's tone was quiet as he asked. Soft and reassuring, but quiet, as though any loud noise would hurt Mike's ears.
Mike shook his head, but shrugged right afterwards, making it into more of an 'I don't know' gesture than a negative one. Yamapi kept stroking his hair, just lightly, just with his fingertips, humming softly as he did. They said nothing, and Mike was quite content to stay sprawled in his lap, arms loosely wrapped around Yamapi's waist.

Finally, Yamapi shifted their positions, holding Mike further back from himself so they could converse properly. "I talk to Golf?" He asked, and Mike looked surprised.
"How?" He replied, obviously referring to the huge language barrier between them, "It's... difficult story." He winced, wishing his Japanese wasn't so limited. They drifted back into silence, and Mike's eyes slipped closed as rested his head back against Yamapi's chest. He lay very still, save for his fingers, which tapped softly against Yamapi's arm, slow, rhythmic taps, in time with his heartbeat. He'd almost fallen asleep when Yamapi shifted beneath him. Mike sat up properly again, and stared at him bleary eyed.

"What?" He asked, and his voice sounded drowsy and confused, even to his own ears. Yamapi moved in such a way that said he wanted to get up, so Mike slid off him onto the bed.
"I talk to Golf." He said decisively, offering his hand to Mike, to show him he intended for them to go together. Mike hesitated, but took it anyway. Yamapi had only just calmed him down, he'd only just started to feel in control of the situation. He hadn't had enough time to prepare himself for facing Golf, and he didn't want anyone else to know what their fight had been over. But then Yamapi gave his hand a squeeze, and his smile was reassuring and gentle. Mike thought that maybe he felt a little stronger.


Golf didn't want to answer the door, but as he was a rising idol, that wasn't a wise decision to make. If it was someone informing him of an update in his schedule or an emergency meeting or something, ignoring them wouldn't be a good idea. He got up from his bed and shuffled sullenly towards the door, trying to conjure a happy expression onto his face before he got there.

A look through the peep hole let him know that it was Yamapi waiting on the other side. Golf bit his lip; saying that he didn't really want to talk to him was an understatement. He was one of the last people that Golf wanted to see. But if Yamapi was coming to see him, there was a possibility that it could be about important business.

As he turned the handle, Golf told himself firmly that it wasn't exactly Yamapi's fault. Sure, he shouldn't have even considered a relationship with his five-years-younger co-worker in the first place, but he wasn't trying to offend Golf personally. The idea that Golf had such inappropriate feelings towards his little brother wouldn't even occur to Yamapi. He'd probably just fallen in love with Mike, thinking it was completely safe. These thoughts in mind, Golf took a deep breath and pushed opened the door, a fake smile plastered to his face.

"Yo, Tomo."
The sight of Mike huddled behind Yamapi, looking nervous, wiped the smile right off of Golf's face, and he took a step backwards. "Mike, what did you tell him?" He bit out harshly. Yamapi, although unable to understand, looked surprised at the rough tone in Golf's voice.
The urge to get angry at Golf for his attitude was overwhelming, but Mike didn't want to lose his cool in front of his Tomo, so he kept his voice soft and his temper under control.

"Just that we had a fight. I wouldn't tell anyone about that." He put a strong emphasis on the 'that' in his sentence, and Golf looked away.
Yamapi looked back and forth between the brothers, completely confused. When both of them stopped speaking and refused to look one another in the face, he finally felt it was time to step in.

"What are you saying?" He asked. The sentence was grammatically perfect, but neither Golf nor Mike were really in the mood for congratulating him. They continued to avoid one another's eyes, until Yamapi decided that standing in the hallway wasn't a good idea, and pulled Mike into Golf's room, shutting the door behind them.

Golf went and sat on his bed, expression dull, head down. Yamapi's heart clenched. Considering how upbeat and cheerful, funny and considerate Golf usually was, this side of him was depressing. He wanted to hold him, the same way he'd held Mike to cheer him up, but his body refused to move from where he stood by the door, and his mind screamed that it was a bad idea with Mike in the room. Besides. Golf probably wouldn't like it anyway.
They were getting nowhere fast. No one spoke, moved, did anything and time was ticking on.

"Golf." Yamapi decided to make the first move. Both brothers looked at him sharply; his voice had taken on the no-nonsense tone that it did during work, when he thought it was time for everyone to stop fooling around. It reminded them that while Yamapi was fun, he had a serious side and there were some things he didn't tolerate. "Don't fighting."

Mike knew he was talking to both of them when he said that, and his tone had changed from the one he usually used. He was talking to them like children, and Mike felt a wave of shame drench him. He didn't want Yamapi to think of him like that; he wanted him to always see him as an equal. But this was different from the fights he'd had with Golf before... it wasn't even really a fight, it was...

But Yamapi looked so disapproving and the knot in Mike's stomach got tighter and tighter.
"Golf." He said, in a soft voice, still not meeting his eyes, "This is stupid. Let's just forget what happened before and go back to the way we used to be. Tomo's right, we shouldn't fight. It's stupid. We're stupid for doing it."

Mike wasn't sure if it was a scoff that came from Golf's mouth or not. Whatever it was, it hadn't sounded particularly positive. Well, perhaps he was asking for too much. The secret that Golf had let him in on tonight, whether doing so had been purposeful or not. He was being selfish, asking Golf to... to take back his feelings. Especially when Mike had also, for quite some time...

He looked up at his big brother through his lashes - he wasn't facing towards them anymore - and swallowed. This was bad. This was bad and wrong. It was something that they both had to quash as soon as they could, because it could end no other way than badly.
But Golf wasn't cooperating. Mike looked at Yamapi for support, hoping that his expression would explain for him. To his relief Yamapi seemed aware that he'd attempted and failed at a truce.

"Golf," He said gently, "Don't fighting. Mike loves you."
Mike, as well as Yamapi, saw how his brother's shoulders stiffened at that. Golf's next breath was both shaky and perfectly audible. It sounded like it was mixed with tears. Mike felt his own eyes welling up at the thought of it.

"Golf, please don't, I don't want to see you cry. I'm really sorry, I was stupid. But we can't, we really can't, you remember what happened... last time." He trailed off lamely, and tried to find somewhere to pick up from, "I mean... I don't mind, okay? I don't mind how you feel about me, you can feel however you want. I just... we can't, okay? Mom wouldn't... she'd think..."

"Idiot, I'm not crying." Golf choked out, in a tone of voice that completely contradicted what he said. "And I know that we can't, I just... I don't want to see you with Tomo. I don't want to share you with anyone." His shoulders heaved and he seemed to get himself under control.

"That's... that's kind of unfair." Mike said, letting out a short, shaky laugh. Then on a spur of the moment, he stepped closer to his big brother and grabbed his arm in a hug. No more words came after that, and Golf didn't hug Mike back. What they had right now was enough, so when Yamapi caught Mike's gaze and he pointed to himself, then to the door, Mike hesitated a bit, but eventually nodded.

For now, he just wanted to be with his brother.