Banany's fic journal

Title: Mine (Part 4/9)
Pairings: Golf/Mike, Golf/Mike/Yamapi, Kamenashi/Yamapi
Word count: 4,602
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Golf and Mike had always been closer to one another than anyone else. Yamapi threatened that.


Yamapi had successfully kept alcohol away from Golf and Mike, until he himself was so off his face he couldn't even remember why he'd objected to an outing at all. Fortunately for him, the brothers had come to an agreement that they should ingest nothing that would mess with their senses in order to be able to send Jin home and get Yamapi back to the hotel in a relatively unscathed manner.

Karaoke had been an interesting affair; Yamapi, whilst still claiming to be 'sotally tober' had decided to see if he could still sing upside down. This promptly led to him falling on his head, and Jin laughing so hard at him that he choked, once his beer-logged mind finally figured out what had happened. It was then Golf and Mike had decided that maybe leaving was a good idea.

Fortunately, it was because KAT-TUN was nearby for some business that Jin had been able to come and visit, so they didn't have to take him back to their hotel with them. Instead they just rang Kame to come and collect him (Jin didn't seem interested in producing his cell phone, but Golf managed to talk Yamapi into getting his out, and even finding one of the KAT-TUN members' - Kamenashi's - numbers for them. Fortunately, through the drunken cries of, "Hiiii Kame!" (Yamapi being friendly) and "Hey baby, why don't you ever call me anymore?" (Jin being a dork) followed by dumb laughter, and Golf and Mike's combined efforts, Kame managed to understand what was going on, and their message got across.

He said something that the Thai brothers really hoped they'd translated correctly as, "I'll be there shortly" then hung up. About half an hour of embarrassing antics outside the karaoke place later, including the extremely disturbing role reversal of Jin jokingly making passes at random salary men who crossed their path, a not-too-impressed Kamenashi finally showed up to relieve them of one of their alcoholics. He vaguely apologized to Golf and Mike, but kept his eyes on Yamapi the whole time. Yamapi had settled down considerably, and just smiled drunkenly albeit serenely at him.

It was also fortunate that they were in walking distance of the hotel, because if Yamapi had driven them there, there was definitely no chance they'd be returning in the same way. They walked back, one of them on either side of Yamapi to stop him from falling (He was claiming that he was sober again, but his insistence on tripping over every protruding object they crossed the path of said otherwise). Golf complained to Mike that Yamapi was practically strangling him, while Mike got away with just lending him a shoulder. His little brother laughed, and once they got back to the hotel, offered to look after Yamapi until he thought it was safe to leave him alone. Golf agreed, and bid them both goodnight (Yamapi replied, "Sa-wat raat-dtree", which Mike laughed about all the way down the hall).

When they got into the room, Mike decided that Yamapi had had enough walking in his current state, and so left him sitting on his bed blinking dumbly. He tried to recall what you were supposed to do with drunk people, and settled on getting a glass of water. There was carbonated water in the mini fridge near the television, but Mike hadn't a clue if the bubbles would do him any good, and got plain water from the tap. When he turned back around, he found that Yamapi had tried to take his T-shirt off, but had mainly succeeded in getting his head stuck in it and pinning his hands behind his back. Mike cracked up again, and put the glass down on a bedside table.

"Don't laugh!" The Japanese came out so slurred by alcohol and muffled by the T-shirt that Mike was amazed he'd understood at all. He set about helping, and in no time Yamapi was freed from his prison of clothing. He grinned at Mike, and obediently took the water from him, then settled back on the bed and patted the spot beside him, offering for the other boy to sit down. Mike obliged, and stretched out against the cushions.

"Today is very fun." Mike said, and then corrected the tense by saying, "Was fun." Yamapi smiled, and nodded in agreement. Then Mike laughed as he went over the events of the day in his head.
"Idiot." He pointed at Yamapi, though the insult was said in a very soft tone to show he was joking. Yamapi, sense of reason still dulled from drinking, splashed the remaining quarter of a glass of water into Mike's face. At first Mike was startled, and then for some reason neither of them could stop laughing. When they finally regained control, they found themselves curled up close, face to face.

Mike thought that he was really glad he'd had this opportunity, because Yamapi really was one of the best friends he'd ever made and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to go home. Yamapi thought that Mike really did look like his big brother. Felt a bit like him. Smelt and sounded a bit like him. And if he closed his eyes, maybe he could pretend he was lying here with Golf instead. Yamapi leant in and wondered, when he tasted Mike's lips, if this was what Golf tasted like too.

Mike didn't stop Yamapi. He was too startled to. And even when his senses did come rushing back to him, he realized that all he wanted to use them for was to enjoy this moment. He didn't want to stop it. He didn't want it to stop. His fingers crept, shyly, to Yamapi's waist and just rested there, lightly. Something clicked inside Mike, and he felt something that had been missing, something that he'd lost half his life ago. He wasn't sure what it was, but he was glad he'd found it again. When the kiss ended and they drew apart and looked at one another, Yamapi gave him an easy smile that made Mike want to lean forward and press their lips right back together.

They slept in the same bed that night; Mike didn't have to ask if it was alright to stay, and Yamapi didn't have to ask him not to leave. Thanks to the alcohol, sleep came quickly for Yamapi, but it was also due to it that he couldn't sleep restfully. He drifted back to consciousness once during the night, to find that Mike hadn't moved at all. He was in the same position, nestled against Yamapi's chest, fitted as close to him as Matryoshka dolls fit one another. He was too tired for anything to trouble him, and merely looped his arms around Mike's waist, pulled him closer and pressed a chaste kiss to the top of his head before falling back into a doze.

Mike woke up first, at 5:45 am (15 minutes before Yamapi's alarm clock was set to go off), still encased in a warm hug. At first he thought that he'd slept in Golf's room last night, but then the events of the previous day clicked in his head. He smiled, and then set about waking Yamapi up by tickling his bare chest. He came awake slowly, muttering something which Mike couldn't really understand.

He waited until Yamapi had opened his eyes and stopped blinking, before asking him, "Does your head hurt?"
"No." Came the drowsy reply. He must have been one of those fortunate people who rarely suffered hangovers.

Mike lay comfortably against him for a while, and then slipped out of the bed.
"Shower. Clothes." He said, motioning to himself. He was still wearing yesterday's outfit. Once Yamapi nodded, Mike grabbed his room key from where it lay on the bedside table, next to the empty water glass from last night, and dashed from the room. He forgot to lock the door behind him.
Yamapi stretched out once Mike had left, and covered his face with his hands. Now what...?


Mike felt like he was blooming; blooming like a flower in the spring. He was in love. This was definitely love, right? And it filled him up, made him want to laugh and dance and spin around until he fell over and could watch the world keep moving as he lay there. He wanted to tell everyone, because this was so wonderful, felt so good, that he couldn't possibly keep it all to himself. But he had to. Had to, even though he was so full to the brim with this precious secret that soon enough he'd surely burst.

After taking a quick shower, he put on a change of clothes which matched more by chance than intention. He could barely concentrate enough to get them on straight as it was. Yamapi's name was repeating over and over in this head, (Tomo, Tomo, Tomo...) more beautiful to him than the lyrics of any love song. He needed to get back to him now, or it felt as though he'd die.

Not that any of this crossed Mike's mind. It was all feelings rather than words. He was running on feelings at the moment, and they'd taken a precedence over everything else. He left his room again, forgetting to turn out the lights in his haste, and half-ran, half-walked back to where Yamapi was. He opened the door - whoops, maybe he should have locked it - and found Yamapi on the other side, dressed only in towels. Obviously he'd decided that a more leisurely shower had been in order, as opposed to Mike's quick one to take care of the necessities.

His mouth went dry, and all the moisture that should have been there felt as though it had migrated to his hands. He could only gape. Yamapi discarded the towel on his head, and all that was left on him was the one wrapped around his waist. Mike felt strangely as though he'd be less embarrassed if Yamapi had been naked.

The door finally clicked shut of its own accord behind Mike. The sound alerted Yamapi, and he raised his face so their gazes met.
"What are you looking at?" He asked (in Japanese, knowing that Mike would understand such a simple sentece), though not unkindly. Mike swallowed, then smiled at him and a flush slowly made its way across his cheeks.

Yamapi felt his something in his chest flare up. The abashed look on Mike's face was an exact replica of the one that Golf wore whenever he screwed up a dance move, or did something really stupid, and all the regret that had built up in him for what he'd done last night vanished. He crossed the space between him and Mike in two steps, and had him pinned between his body and the door in a moment. One of Mike's arms wrapped around his waist, while the fingers of his hand on the other took a firm but gentle hold of his still-damp, dark hair.

"Beautiful." Yamapi whispered against the skin of his neck, and Mike murmured soft nonsense words in return. Then Yamapi was kissing his cheek, his jaw, lips, neck, and Mike never wanted him to stop. His hands both made their way to Yamapi's shoulders of their own accord, and he traced patterns on the skin with his finger tips. His own heartbeat and their heavy breathing resounded in his ears, and he closed his eyes at the same time that Yamapi opened his.

He did so just in time to see Mike's tongue dart out between his lips to wet them, and he quickly found himself kissing him there. He shut his eyes again, and his fingers wrapped themselves around the hem of Mike's T-shirt. He parted from him briefly to pull it over his head, leaving them with skin against skin as they slid back together. Golf made sounds into the kiss that encouraged Yamapi as he slid a hand against his taut stomach, one finger briefly dipping into the navel.

He started on Golf's belt, fiddling with the buckle, when he heard him murmur, "Tomo" in a tone barely louder than a whisper. Yamapi snapped back. He wasn't with Golf. He was with Mike. He pulled away, and Mike opened his eyes, his expression surprised and confused.

"Photo shoot soon. Late." Was Yamapi's excuse, and he hoped that his smile didn't look strained. If it did, Mike showed no signs of noticing, and smiled guiltily before picking up his shirt from where it had been discarded moments earlier. The photo shoot they were going to today (the boys making up KITTY had done their part yesterday. They never seemed to have whole group shoots) had completely flown from his mind last night, and until now he hadn't remembered once.

He left the room so Yamapi could get dressed alone and headed back towards his own; He needed to brush his hair again now that it had dried some more.
Golf was waiting outside for him, and seemed surprised to see his brother.
"I thought you were in your room." Golf said, in lieu of a greeting, "I thought you'd slept through your alarm clock and my knocking. What were you up to?"
"Not much. Just going for a walk after my shower." He lied easily, and then wanted to hit himself for it. It was usually so difficult for him to fib to Golf, but today the lie came out so naturally that no one would have thought it was anything but the truth. "Yamapi's awake, by the way."
"Did you check on him?" Golf asked, stepping aside so Mike could get into his room. Mike nodded.

"Yeah, he's getting dressed now. I'm just going to brush my hair, okay?"
Golf laughed, "Stop fussing over your image, you look fine." He reached out and ruffled his hair, causing Mike to let out an indignant squawk. "There, now you have a reason to."
His little brother gave him a gentle shove, not enough to knock him off balance, but enough to unstable him. Golf laughed again and told Mike he'd see him at breakfast.



They took the group shots before the single ones, and Golf immediately noticed that Mike would not keep his hands off of Yamapi. It didn't put him in a good mood, and the fact that the camera people seemed to find it cute and encouraged it didn't help in the slightest. They probably thought that Mike was being playful or something, but then, they didn't know him. This wasn't playful behaviour; that usually involved light punches, shoves, some tickling and generally Mike being a lot more annoying than usual. This was Mike flirting. He didn't even seem to realize he was doing it, otherwise he probably - hopefully - would have stopped.

By the time they got to having their photos taken alone, Golf was finding it harder and harder to smile for the camera. Yamapi went first, and that was okay then because it was just him and Mike waiting, but when it came to Golf's turn his mood dropped to an all time low. The idea that Yamapi was taking his little brother away from him had become a niggling feeling soon after they'd begun working together, but now it had blown way out of proportion. And it made no sense to him that he was so furious with Mike about it. It would make more sense to be angry at Yamapi.

The guy photographing him kept reprimanding him for looking past the camera instead of at it, but how was he supposed to keep his eyes off of the other two when Mike was practically trying to crawl into Yamapi's lap? He wished he'd questioned Mike about it while Yamapi had still been having his picture taken.

They were all exhausted after it was over; it seemed strange that sitting around, doing nothing other than smiling for the camera and posing a bit would use so much energy, but they'd all accepted that by now. It was probably mental exhaustion.

After being briefed on what they were going to be doing the next day (Rigorous dance training), the three were sent back to the hotel and told to relax in preparation for tomorrow. Golf fully intended to grill Mike about his touchy-feeliness with Yamapi, but by the time he'd wound down in his room and gone to Mike's to talk to him, he found his brother wasn't in there. Golf had a pretty strong hunch about where he was, but wasn't sure he wanted to confirm his suspicions. He dithered a little in front of the door. Perhaps Mike was just taking another shower, or was primping in front of the mirror and hadn't heard him knock? He'd wait a little longer.


"Tomo, going out?" Mike sat, swinging his feet, on the edge of Yamapi's bed, watching as he changed his shirt. Once he'd straightened out the collar, Yamapi nodded.
"With Jin and Kame." He explained.
"Golf and me too?"
Mike asked this when Yamapi's back was turned, so he didn't wince that the hopeful tone in his voice caused.
"No," Yamapi said, "Just Tomo." Then after turning around and seeing the dejected look on Mike's face, he hastened to tell him, "About work. Very boring."
He leant over and pressed his lips to Mike's forehead, wondering if and how he could explain that the two of them shouldn't have this sort of relationship. He could try right now, save Mike from falling too far. But when Mike pulled him down onto the bed beside him, kissing him in a way that made him feel light-headed, Yamapi forgot all about that, and even considered blowing off his engagement with Kamenashi completely.

Then they separated, and when Mike said in a sweet voice, "I love you," (A phrase that Golf had learnt, become fond of, and used in jest with startling regularity. The difference was that he knew Mike actually meant it) Yamapi remembered the reason he was going out in the first place.

"Return soon." He said, and gave Mike another brief kiss - on the cheek to be safe - grabbed his hotel key, put his shoes on and left. They parted in the hallway, since there was no reason for either of them to be in his room at the moment, and Mike returned to his own.

He was surprised to see - almost in an exact repeat of that morning - Golf waiting for him outside, leaning against the wall. The look on his brother's face was slightly grim, and Mike felt something in his chest clench.
"What's wrong?" He asked as he approached. Golf seemed almost as nervous as he was when he replied.
"I wanted to talk to you about something. Can we go in?"
Mike nodded, but his chest tightened a little more as he did so.


Yamapi had sent him a text message a little earlier, so Kame wasn't the least bit surprised when he turned up at the hotel KAT-TUN was currently staying in.
"How's the filming for the commercial coming along?" He asked as Kamenashi ushered him into his room.
Kame shrugged, "Not bad. Ueda's busy reminding everyone why he's the only one of us who's never starred in a drama."
If he'd been more like Ryo, Yamapi would've said that Ueda had used up all his acting ability on pretending to be Gackt, but in his current situation Ryo was one of the furthest people from his mind.

He eased himself into a lone armchair in the corner of the room, while Kame sat on his unmade bed. He watched Yamapi for a moment, expecting him to explain his reason for visiting. But no words were spoken, and the thoughtful look on Yamapi's face remained unchanged. Finally, Kame chose to speak.
"Do you want me to go get Jin?"

"No!" The response was immediate, and even a little vehement. Kamenashi was startled, and Yamapi could see it written on his face. He quickly smoothed his words over, "I don't think that Jin could really understand my problem as well as you can. That's why I wanted to talk to you instead."
Kame tried to remain professional, but couldn't help preening a bit.

"What's wrong?" He asked, wishing that this wasn't making him feel quite so important. It couldn't be too trivial, because Yamapi was fidgeting and was having trouble looking him in the eyes. He figured that it couldn't be good news, because there'd only been one other time that Kame had seen him like this.
"I don't think we should... keep being together like this. Things are all different now."
"... Yeah. I know."
"But I still want to be friends. That won't change, right Kame?"
"Of course not. That'll never change."
Yamapi finally looked at him straight on, "It's about Mike."
A thread of jealousy - the jealousy of an ex-lover - began to unwind in Kame's chest. He tried to fight it away.

"Don't tell me that you love Mike or something, Yamapi." His tone was light, but Yamapi knew there was something darker lying beneath. He could hear it, buzzing like electricity. It made him feel tense. "He's still so young, and you two can barely communicate as it is."
"That's not the problem." Yamapi sighed, and massaged his temple with one hand. The other lay sprawled without the slightest hint of grace upon the arm of the chair. "There'd be less of a problem if I did love Mike. I really don't know what to do Kame."

He stopped talking, and his eyes left Kamenashi's face, instead choosing to stare intently at the office building across from the hotel. Confusion settled between them, heavy like a layer of dust waiting to be swept away.
"I'm not sure I understand." Kame said carefully. Despite everything, he felt glad that Yamapi didn't want Mike. He was almost disappointed with himself for it. "Are you going to explain?"

Yamapi shifted uncomfortably and muttered wordlessly, trying to gather his thoughts.
"Okay. So you came and got Jin the other night when we ended up drunk, right?" Kame nodded, but didn't say anything as he waited for a continuation. "After I went back to the hotel with the brothers, Golf went to his room and Mike came to help me into bed, since I wasn't really up to it myself. And you know. I kissed him."

A long, deadly silence followed, and Yamapi panicked and stuttered out, "I only did it because I was thinking about Golf!" at the same time Kame chose to yell, "I thought you said you didn't want Mike!"
Another silence followed, but this time Kamenashi was the only one to break it.

"You were thinking about Golf? Do you mean that Golf's the one you want?" He asked with some hesitation, as though afraid of the answer. Yamapi was staring out the window again, watching the office workers, doll-sized from here, in the building across the street. He didn't seem to want to answer.

"I think that I almost slept with Mike this morning." He finally said, confessing another secret Kame wasn't sure he wanted to hear. He wasn't even sure he could handle all this. Whatever had made him fall for Yamapi in the first place hadn't vanished; circumstances had broken them up, rather than a disappearance of interest, on his part at least. He still felt a sense of possessiveness towards his ex-lover, inflamed by the fact that, despite what he liked to think, he was probably the least mature in his group and still had a slight child-like selfishness. But he fought to overcome that.

"I kissed Mike, and I nearly had sex with Mike and I was thinking of his brother almost the whole time." Yamapi kept going, and Kame could hear what he thought sounded like shame and a bit of bitterness in his voice. Then he looked at him pleadingly, "What am I supposed to do about it?"
Kamenashi didn't know how he was supposed to give advice on that. Instead he replied, almost with a hint of coldness, "I think you need to stop falling for people you're working with when you're just going to be separated from them in the end."
Although he regretted it as soon as he said it, Yamapi didn't take offence and merely laughed wryly at the comment. He probably agreed; Kame was speaking on a topic he had first-hand experience in, after all.

"I do." He affirmed, "But I guess I can't help it. And I keep trying to tell Mike that we shouldn't do this, but then he does... something, that makes him look or sound or act like his brother, and I end up kissing him instead."
"Why Mike in the first place? Why not Golf?" Kame finally forced out. He was torn between not wanting to hear anymore, and wanting to see the problem through to the end for Yamapi's sake. "If Golf's the one you want..."
"If I made a move on Golf and he rejected me, our professional relations would be out the window." Yamapi spoke slowly, as if Kame had just said something extremely stupid, "And I couldn't risk that." He got up from the chair, moving around the room to relieve some of his tension, but stopped when Kamenashi snorted.

"Please, Yamapi. If Mike had rejected you when you made a move on him, it would've had the same effect."
"No, it--" He cut off mid-sentence. Kame was right. "I was drunk at the time." He said indignantly, as though it were a great and acceptable defence.
"Yamapi, you were scared of rejection from Golf. I wasn't exactly feeling full of confidence when I asked you out. But I can see how it'd be easy for you to kiss Mike, if you don't have any feelings for him. Rejection's not exactly terrifying when it's coming from someone you didn't love in the first place."

Yamapi leant against the window of his friend's hotel room, not sure how to reply to that. Finally, he chose to change the topic.
"What do I tell Mike? I don't want to hurt his feelings, Kame. He's only 16." The glass was cool against his cheek, and it calmed him in a strange way.
Kame blew a stray hair out of his face, and then brushed it away with his finger tips when it just fell back into place.
"If you don't want to hurt him, you don't tell him anything and keep hurting yourself instead. I'm sorry, Yamapi, but I can't see any way out of this that'll leave you both unscarred. You broke up with me. You can break up with him. Just... think it through first, okay? It'll be difficult to explain to him with the language barrier."
"Yeah..." Yamapi agreed, though he sounded as though he were only half listening. Then on impulse he faced Kame straight on, his gaze intense.
"Hey... You know, there are times. Just, when I'm by myself. When I wish that I was still with you."
Kame smiled, despite himself, tipping his head back to look at the ceiling. "Yeah." He said, "I get those too."

He only walked Yamapi as far as the door of his room, and their only goodbye to one another was a quick squeeze of hands.
Yamapi didn't turn around to look back as he walked down the corridor, but Kame kept watching until he couldn't see him anymore.